I'm out of the office until Monday 6th January 2014

Along with my friends, Faceman, Murdock and Mr.T, I'm helping a local community of farmers throw off the oppressive yolk of a corrupt and wealthy land owner.
I imagine it'll probably involve a number of small scuffles with the villains' henchmen, followed by a day in a barn customising a piece of farming equipment to be used in a climactic battle.

Anyhoo, I've sure got my hands full, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 6th January, by which time I hope the whole plan will have come together.

I love it when that happens.

I'm out of the office until Friday 13th December 2013

I'm on an artisnal pencil sharpening course, and won't be back in the office until Friday 13th December.

Should you require my assistance with any of your graphite based writing implements, I'd be happy to take your bookings on my return. No time wasters, please.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 6th December 2013

I've just been told that I've become wildly popular in Germany and that my agent has organised an impromptu tour of Bavaria and Lower Saxony.
It's all happened so fast that I'm not even too sure why they're so crazy for me, or what I have to do when I get there, but what I can tell you for sure is that I'll be out of the office until Friday 6th December.

If you need any help in the meantime you can call on Lou or Lindsay.

Auf wiedersehen, Liebings!

I'm out of the office until Friday 29th November 2013

I can't go into any major details here, but after receiving some advice from a "Mate", I've decided to build an enormous boat, predominantly designed to house pairs of animals, but with just enough room for my family as well.
As a result I'll be out of the office for a few days, so that I can get the whole thing finished while the weather's still nice.

If you need any help while I'm away, you can contact Lou and Lindsay.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to say that it's been really nice knowing you.

I'm out of the office until Monday 25th November 2013

It's an unfortunate fact of life that there are those among us who are unable to reliably vacate their office.
To address this pressing issue and as part of my big corporate responsibility push, I've just rolled out a new service which should help those who are most in need.
Every week, I'll be spending at least one day out of the office on behalf of one of these unlucky individuals.
This week, it's Mrs G. Brooks of Crawley, who will be out of the office until Monday 25th November.

If you need any help while she's away, you can contact Lou and Lindsay.

Enjoy, Mrs Brooks.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 21st November 2013

As the result of an enormous mistake in my travel itinerary, I've not only gone to the wrong place, but also the wrong time. Leaving Waterloo on what I thought would be the 13.30 to Gatwick, I accidentally took the wrong train and ended up in pre-revolutionary France, somewhere just outside Montpelier.
Consequently, I won't be able to return to the office until the invention of the steam locomotive and the subsequent departure of the 15:45 from Lyon.

If you need any help in the meantime, please contact Lou and Lindsay.

C'est la guerre, mes amis.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 4th November 2013

Spot of trouble today. Smithers and Dentington-Smythe caught me by the rangdanglers and gave me a troweling just after tiffin.
Needless to say it gave me an awful fright and made me miss punting for which Mr Mumpton gave me ten thousand words on "The quiet dignity of the river".
He also gave me detentions for the rest of the week, so it looks like I'll be out of the office until Thursday 14th November.

Luckily Fletch and DS have offered to cover for me while I'm away. Capital fellows.

I'm out of the office until Monday 11th November 2013

I have always maintained that an enterprising approach to risk taking can yield great results, whereas there will always be naysayers who would claim that my brief sojourn into the radical new sport of chainsaw skydiving was always destined to end badly.
Either way, the fact remains that, on the advice of my doctor, I will be unable to return to the office until Monday 11th November.

If you need any help in the meantime, please contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 31st October 2013

I used to be in the office all the time, but then I discovered the three step program for being out of the office.
Here's how it works:
In step one we enter into a state where we visualise the office and connect with the surroundings we associate with being there.
In step two, we look to the future and find our "point of transience", the place we will go when we are no longer in the office.
In step three, we leave the office and don't return until Thursday 31st October.

For more advanced users or those who are quick learners, there is the option for Lou or Lindsay to help others while you are away. I did it and I feel great.

I'm out of the office until Monday 28th October 2013

I've only just been told that I'm crazy like a fox, so it's obviously a good idea for me to stay clear of the office until everything calms the heck down.

If you need anything in the meantime, you should contact Lou or Lindsay, each of whom is sassy like a mink (but to a degree that is acceptable for office work).

I'm out of the office until Thursday 10th October 2013

I've accidentally spilled an entire a bottle of cleaning fluid over myself. On the label it says "Designed to remove large, unwanted stains from office furniture - use sparingly".
Unfortunately it seems that such was the power and the amount of liquid spilled, it has actually removed ME, so I'll be away until the scientists have figured out what the hell is going on.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

Frankly, I don't know whether to be impressed or insulted.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th October 2013

Hi, I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th September.
But don't just take my word for it, see what other people have been saying:
  • "I thought he'd be in the office, but I was wrong - he wasn't."
  • "One day he was here and the next he was gone. Luckily Lou and Lindsay were around to pick up the pieces of the mess he left behind."
  • "He owes me money, but when I came to get it, he was conveniently absent, so I took his chair."
  • "OMFG! His office is totally empty!"

I'm out of the office until Thursday 19th September 2013

Due to an administrative error I've been accidentally traded as a commodity and shipped abroad after being purchased by a gentleman from Saudi Arabia.
Although the problem has been flagged up by the relevant officials, international trade regulations stipulate that I have to be kept in a secure customs warehouse in Dubai until the requisite paperwork has been completed, after which time I will be able to return to the office.

If you need anything in the meantime please contact Lou or Lindsay.
Alternatively you could fill out a B23.1/592 (but you probably knew that already).

I'm out of the office until Monday 16th September 2013

It's uncommon knowledge that I was born one of twins. My brother and I were identical in every way and were inseparable until we reached the age of ten. On our tenth birthday, we were each blessed with a special gift.
My brother was endowed with the power of healing. He became a great doctor, saving countless lives and curing the sick in their thousands.
I was given the the ability to communicate my absence from work.

Behold:
I will be out of the office until Monday 16th September, if you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I know, impressive, isn't it?

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 11th September 2013

Lost, lost, lost am I to a sea of woes, rent by things unseen, displaced to parts where soul's dark hours pale when set beside.
Even blackness leaves this sunless pitch whence I find my tattered self, discarded and alone.
Frankly it's all a bit depressing, so I'm taking a few days off to convalesce.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay, who's merest whisper might melt the tears of brightest somethingorother.

I'm out of the office until Friday 6th September 2013

I'm stuck in the loo with no toilet paper and my family are off to visit the in laws for a few days, so I'll be out of the office until they get back, or until I can find a workaround (that's WORKAROUND, for those of you who can't hear text too well).
There are several copies of Vogue here, but things haven't got quite that bad yet.

If you need anything in the meantime you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 4th September 2013

I've become temporarily unable to avoid double entendres, especially big ones, so I'll have to stay away from the office until I can avoid trying to slip one in whenever there's an opening.

If you need any assistance with your business while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 30th August 2013

I'm the Queen of the Mardis Gras and as such, I'm dressed in a fabulously colourful and wildly oversized costume which will take at least three days to get out of. Consequently I'll be away from the office, disrobing and removing all the make up.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 27th August 2013

I've become stuck in a world of slapstick. If I'm not being crushed by a falling piano, I'm the victim of an accident where a man calls to his colleague, who then turns around while carrying a long plank of wood. And don't even talk to me about banana skins.

The long and the short of it is, I really won't be able to get to the office until it stops, so if you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

LOOK OUT! CUSTARD PIE!

Oh - too late.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 22nd August 2013

I've just joined my local debating society and will be proposing the motion, "THBT, I will be out of the office until Thursday 2nd August".
The main thrust of my argument is that I will actually be out of the office until Thursday 2nd August - which is compelling to say the least.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou. They are opposing the motion so I'm confident they'll be in.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 14th August 2013

I'm sitting in a really comfy chair in World of Leather and won't be able to return to the office until the experience becomes mildly unpleasant.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 7th August 2013

I've fallen madly in love with everyone I work with - all 600 of them.
They're all just sooooooooo wonderful and it makes me go funny when I'm around them.
Sadly, they don't really feel the same way and a local Judge has declared that I'm no longer allowed within 1000 meters of any of them, so I'll be out of the office until I'm no longer deemed a threat.

If you need anything in the meantime you can call on Lindsay and Lou.
Give them my regards and tell them that, all things being well, they won't be needing the mace when I get back.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 31st July 2013

I've recently been incarcerated in a foreboding, Gothic castle by my arch enemy, The Baron, so I'll be out of the office until I can make good my escape.
On first impressions, it might seem as if this is the end for me, but there are a couple of things that The Baron has overlooked which should help tip the odds in my favour:
1. The cell I'm currently being held in is very old and the bricks on the exterior wall have begun to crumble away.
2. I have secreted a plan of the castle sewers about my person, detailing a route down to a secret cove, where a small boat waits to spirit me away to freedom.
3. I have suffered a nervous breakdown and this clich├ęd scenario has been conjured from my troubled imagination.

If you need anything in the meantime, you must discretely contact Lindsay or Lou through the usual clandestine channels.

Trust no one.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 24th July 2013

I'm building a 1:35 scale replica of the office.
The main structure is complete along with the windows, furniture and carpets, but I've foolishly stuck the roof on before I got round to putting in the little figure of myself, which means I'll be out of the office until I can find a way to get inside without breaking the whole thing.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - they're in the little conference room next to the tiny kitchen, but be gentle, as they're not stuck down very well and Lindsay's arm keeps coming off.

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th July 2013

They seek him here, they seek him there,
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in heaven or is he in hell?
Neither - he is out of the office until Monday 15th July.

If you need help in the meantime, you should contact Madames Lindsay or Lou.

Or perhaps you prefer the taste of Madame La Guillotine, eh?

I'm out of the office until Thursday 11th July 2013

Last week my friend insisted that I should put myself in his shoes. So I decided to take him at his word.
Unfortunately he's just sent the shoes back to the manufacturer in Milan to be resoled, which means I'll be out of the office until they're sent back.

If you need anything in the while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Meanwhile I'm stuck with this bunch of cobblers.

I'm out of the office until Monday 8th July 2013

I'm off on a course to learn how to kill a man with my bare hands, so I'll be out of the office until Monday.
I shouldn't need to mention it, but you should probably try to be super nice the next time we meet.

If you need any help while I'm away, you can talk to Lindsay or Lou, who have serendipitously just come back from a course on how to hide a body. How's that for joined up thinking?

I'm out of the office until Thursday 4th July 2013

Like the majority of children, I was raised mostly by my mother.
She operated a regime best described as "firm but fair" and when I look back, my memories are full of happiness set within strict moral limits.
In our house she made sure that I adhered to three rules without deviation (in order of increasing importance):

Respect your Mother and Father.
Always treat others as you would wish them to treat you.
Be out of the office until Thusday 4th July 2013.

I never really understood the last one, but rule number one kind of precluded me from questioning it.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact my work mothers, Lindsay and Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 27th June

I've been distracted by a shiny thing which I just can't seem to take my eye off so I'll be out of the office until I can tear myself away.

If you need any help in the meantime, please contact Lindsay or Lou.

Oooooh, it's really lovely

I'm out of the office until Monday 24th June 2013

I'm protesting about something very important and handcuffed myself to some railings until my demands have been met, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 24th June, by which time I'm sure the people concerned with this thing will have come to their senses and changed whatever it is that's got me so worked up.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou. They don't feel quite as strongly as I do - but they should. It almost certainly matters.

I'm out of the office until Monday 17th June 2013

Occasionally my duties as President of the campaign for vacant workplaces comes into direct conflict with the obligations laid down in my  employment contract.
This is one of those unfortunate times, so I'll be out off the office until I've fulfilled my presidential mandate.

If you need any help in the meantime you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Should you wish to join the campaign, just call our head office.
Naturally, you'll have to leave a message, as there won't be anyone in.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 6th June 2013

I've pioneered a new technique for being somewhere else for extended periods of time.
It's in the early stages of development and I can't run it at full power yet, so all I can manage right now is to be out of the office until Thursday 6th June.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

If the project funding comes through next month, I should be able to be in Havana for a fortnight.

I'm out of the office until Monday 3rd June 2013

Last night we went to a stage show featuring a hypnotist, who hypnotised me into believing that I had just been fired. Just as he was going to snap me out of it, the fire alarm went off and we all had to evacuate the venue.
Consequently, I still don't think I have a job, so I'll be out of the office until I've come to my senses.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

On a related note, the guy also convinced me that I am His Holiness the Pope, so I'll be keeping myself busy waving from a balcony and kissing tarmac at the airport.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 28th May 2013

We're playing this game in the office where we each take turns to remove something from the room and the others have to guess what's missing.
It's my turn and I've decided to remove myself, so I'll be out of the office until they've worked it out.

If you need any help while I'm hiding, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, but don't give them any clues.

Frankly, I'm a little concerned that they're taking so long to notice.

I'm out of the office until Monday 20th May 2013

Buddha teaches us that four things cannot be long hidden:
The sun
The moon
The truth
My absence from the office until Monday 20th May.

If you need further enlightenment, please be at one with Lindsay and Lou.

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'm out of the office until 2nd May 2013

Following a freak flood and massive, simultaneous power surge, our freezer has malfunctioned and I've been encased in a huge block of ice. It's melting very slowly, but at the current rate, I should be able to return to the office on Thursday 2nd May.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou and Lindsay.

Aaaaaaah, brainfreeze!

I'm out of the office until Thursday 25th April 2013

Last Monday I accidentally left the caps off 250 white board pens and I've been off my face all week.
It turns out that the fumes from the Xlene they put in those babies is highly addictive and I've had to book myself into a clinic to straighten out, so I'll be out of the office until Thursday 2nd May.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can call my pen dealers Lindsay and Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 18th April 2013

One of my body parts has unexpectedly grown to an enormous size and it's now so large that I am unable to leave the house. As a result I'll be out of the office until it's gone down a bit.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

(If you can guess what it is, I'll have to a chocolate version of it made and sent to you).

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th April 2013

I've become a knight and have been sent on a quest to find a rare religious artifact, so I'll be out of the office until I succeed.

Historically, this has been an arduous and time-consuming task, with only a marginal chance of survival, but since the advent of the internet, things have become considerably easier.
As it happens, all I had to do was go to Ebay and type in "Grail".
I'm currently the highest bidder.

If you need anything in the meantime you can speak to the fair maidens Lady Lindsay and Lady Lou.

I'm out of the office until Monday 8th April 2013

I have recently become foreign and I won't be able to understand anything you say. I think it's like Finnish or something, so needless to say it's pretty complicated and I'm leaving the office for a while to avoid any confusion.
I've been assured that the English lessons I'm taking should help to get things back to normal and that I should be able to hold a decent conversation by the time I return on Monday 8th April.

If you need anything in the meantime you can speak to Lindsay or Lou. They've been affected as well, but you should be able to get by if you speak really slowly and raise your voice.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 3rd April 2013

You're like,
"Where are you, man?"
And I'm, like,
"Over here."
So you're, like,
"Dude, shouldn't you be in the office?"
And I'm, like, "No, man, I'm not there right now."
So then you're, like,
"Oh, I guess you must be someplace else."
And I'm, like,
"S'right."

Then Lindsay and Lou are, like,
"You could always talk to us about some stuff."
And you're, like,
"Totally."

I'm out of the office until Friday 22nd March 2013

'Ssup dogs?

For anyone who knows me well, it'll come as no surprise that I've recently become a massive hip hop legend. The flash-in-the-pan celebrity this affords me means that I've really got to make the most of the time I have at the top, so I've decided to leave the office for a few days in order to go large.

If you need any help while I'm away, you can call my crew, Lindsay and Lou, but if you need to get me in for a meeting, please bear in mind that I won't get out of bed for less than 20 large, feel me?

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 20th March 2013

We're doing a spot of spring cleaning in the Department, and while Chris is on holiday I've decided to replace our office with a new one. Unfortunately, even though I placed an order for a new office two weeks ago, it's been held up in customs and I've already ebayed the old one, meaning that I've got nowhere to work for a while.
As a result, I'll be without an office until Wednesday 20th March.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can try Lindsay or Lou, although I wouldn't count on getting a response - I ebayed them too.

I'm out of the office until Friday 15th March 2013

1. What's it all about?
2. Where did we come from?
3. Where are we heading?
4. Why are we all here?

I'll tell you:
1. Money and sex.
2. Eggs.
3. I've not been told yet, but I think it's somewhere foreign.
4. I'm not. I'm out of the office until 15th March.

Any other questions? Contact Lindsay and Lou. They have the rest of the answers.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 13th March 2013

During a routine incursion into hostile territory I have inadvertently strayed into a high-density mine field.
As you can probably imagine, clearing a path to safety will be both risky and painfully slow, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 13th March.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can call Lindsay or Lou.

-Click-

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 12th March 2013

Following an accident whilst on a visit to a nuclear reactor, my DNA has been altered and I have discovered a range of what I'm hesitant to describe as super-powers.

They are:
1. I can jump from tall buildings (admittedly only once).
2. I'm able to sense when people are near using only my hands (there is an injunction out, but it lapses mid October).
3. I am out of the office until Tuesday 12th March

Lindsay and Lou are working to find out if this last one can be reversed and you should contact them if you need help or if you want a progress report on the development of the antidote.

Whatever the outcome, there's no denying that human evolution has just experienced a massive leap forward.

I'm out of the ofice until Wednesday 6th March 2013

What is that?!?
Did you do that?!?
Man, that is really bad. I'm not staying here with that around - I'll be out of the office until until you're done cleaning it all up.
Lucky for you Lindsay and Lou aren't so sensitive, so I'm sure they can help you out until I get back. Personally I don't know how they can stand it.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 27th February 2013

Due to a time-share crime-fighting arrangement I will out be protecting the innocent and ridding the streets of crime for a few days, so I'll be back in the office on Wednesday 27th February.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact my sidekicks, Lindsay and Lou, but if you're planning to take advantage of the weak and helpless, I'll be seeing you very soon indeed, my friend.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 21st February 2013

I have harnessed the raw power of the sun an am using it to be out if the office.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'll be back on Thursday, but if we bump into each other before then, it's probably best not to look directly at me.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 6th February 2013

It's not really common knowledge, but as a teenager I contracted a chronic illness which stopped me from comprehending the obligations of full time employment. It's been an on-and-off battle since then and tragically, after a recent period of remission, I've suffered another attack and won't be in the office until 6th February.

While I'm recovering, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom have managed to avoid this devilish affliction.

I'm out of the office until Friday 1st February 2013

I've suffered a minor injury while playing a game of the 'hunt the peanut'.

It's nothing serious, but I'll be out of the office until nature's taken it's course.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 23rd January 2013

I've struck oil!!!!

Rig number 5 blew her top last night and it's been raining black gold ever since.

Me and the boys are going to be capping off the well later on today, before getting down to the serious business of making a heck of a load of money.

Naturally all this heavy physical labour is pretty time-consuming and that paperwork isn't going to do itself, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 23rd January.

If you need any help while I'm away, you can call on Lindsay or Lou.

When I get back you may notice that I'll be smoking a huge cigar, wearing a ten-gallon hat and looking pretty pleased with myself - get used to it, that's how I roll from now on.

I'm out the office until Wednesday 16th January 2013

As you will no doubt have realised by now,  I am not of this earth. 53 years ago I was sent to study your kind and I must now leave to deliver my initial findings. Consequently I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 16th January at which time I will return to continue my observations.

If you need any help in the meantime, you can contact the Earth natives,  Lindsay and Lou.

You'll be glad to hear that we mean you no harm, although we may consider selectively culling those of you who continue to wear very low slung trousers and designer underwear.

I'm out of the office until 11th January 2013

Where there is suffering, I will bring comfort.
Where there is hunger, I shall bring sustenance.
Where there is fear, I will bring courage.
Where there is darkness, I will bring light.

Where there is work, however, I will be out of the office until Friday 11th January.

Fortunately, where there us absence, there will always be Lindsay and Lou. You have but to contact them.

(Please note that where there is cake, they will bring tea).