I'm out of the office until Thursday 31st October 2013

I used to be in the office all the time, but then I discovered the three step program for being out of the office.
Here's how it works:
In step one we enter into a state where we visualise the office and connect with the surroundings we associate with being there.
In step two, we look to the future and find our "point of transience", the place we will go when we are no longer in the office.
In step three, we leave the office and don't return until Thursday 31st October.

For more advanced users or those who are quick learners, there is the option for Lou or Lindsay to help others while you are away. I did it and I feel great.

I'm out of the office until Monday 28th October 2013

I've only just been told that I'm crazy like a fox, so it's obviously a good idea for me to stay clear of the office until everything calms the heck down.

If you need anything in the meantime, you should contact Lou or Lindsay, each of whom is sassy like a mink (but to a degree that is acceptable for office work).

I'm out of the office until Thursday 10th October 2013

I've accidentally spilled an entire a bottle of cleaning fluid over myself. On the label it says "Designed to remove large, unwanted stains from office furniture - use sparingly".
Unfortunately it seems that such was the power and the amount of liquid spilled, it has actually removed ME, so I'll be away until the scientists have figured out what the hell is going on.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

Frankly, I don't know whether to be impressed or insulted.