I'm out of the office until Wednesday 4th September 2013

I've become temporarily unable to avoid double entendres, especially big ones, so I'll have to stay away from the office until I can avoid trying to slip one in whenever there's an opening.

If you need any assistance with your business while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 30th August 2013

I'm the Queen of the Mardis Gras and as such, I'm dressed in a fabulously colourful and wildly oversized costume which will take at least three days to get out of. Consequently I'll be away from the office, disrobing and removing all the make up.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 27th August 2013

I've become stuck in a world of slapstick. If I'm not being crushed by a falling piano, I'm the victim of an accident where a man calls to his colleague, who then turns around while carrying a long plank of wood. And don't even talk to me about banana skins.

The long and the short of it is, I really won't be able to get to the office until it stops, so if you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

LOOK OUT! CUSTARD PIE!

Oh - too late.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 22nd August 2013

I've just joined my local debating society and will be proposing the motion, "THBT, I will be out of the office until Thursday 2nd August".
The main thrust of my argument is that I will actually be out of the office until Thursday 2nd August - which is compelling to say the least.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou. They are opposing the motion so I'm confident they'll be in.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 14th August 2013

I'm sitting in a really comfy chair in World of Leather and won't be able to return to the office until the experience becomes mildly unpleasant.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 7th August 2013

I've fallen madly in love with everyone I work with - all 600 of them.
They're all just sooooooooo wonderful and it makes me go funny when I'm around them.
Sadly, they don't really feel the same way and a local Judge has declared that I'm no longer allowed within 1000 meters of any of them, so I'll be out of the office until I'm no longer deemed a threat.

If you need anything in the meantime you can call on Lindsay and Lou.
Give them my regards and tell them that, all things being well, they won't be needing the mace when I get back.