I'm out of the office until Wednesday 23rd August 2017

I've been making my own calendars recently and it's proving to be both cost-effective and therapeutic.
Naturally, as this is the first time I've done it, I'm bound to have made some mistakes. For instance, all the days for the next two weeks are missing, so it looks like I'll be away until 23rd August.

If you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie, Lou or Kristin.

The upside to all this, is that there's now an extra month called "Fabruary" - looking forward to that one.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 18th July 2017

I was searching for an online course to increase my productivity at work and eventually settled for one that promised "Results in no time".

What can I say? I've subsequently discovered that it's a scam and it turns out that I've actually been learning how to be LESS productive, so I'll be out of the office until Tuesday 18th July.

If you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

Just so you're aware, I'll likely be lazy and disorganised when I get back, until I can find another, more reliable source of training.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 5th July 2017

I've decided to commute to work using a new tram system. There isn't one - but I'm so stubborn that I'm just going to stand here and wait until they've built it.

If you need anything while I'm stuck here​, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

With my luck, I'll wait for years before I realise that nothing's going to happen, after which I'll have a series of realisations all at the same time.

I'm out of the office until Monday 19th June 2017

I've been poisoned, stabbed, beaten, set on fire, hit by cars and thrown out of a plane.
I'm a broken shell of a man - but nothing can stop me from getting to work, so that you and me can get things done.
Or so it thought... until I got to the office, reached a crippled hand into my pocket and found that I'd left my keys at home and couldn't get in.
I'm really very badly injured now, so it's going to take me quite a while to go back and get them.

In the meantime, if you need any help between now and next Monday, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th May 2017

The threat of nuclear war has forced me deep underground and I won't be coming back to work until the apocalypse has run it's course.
I reckon a day should pretty much do it, so I'll be back in the office on Friday.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou (or what's left of her).

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 2nd May 2017

You know me, I'm a hard worker. But I just looked in the cupboard and we're out of elbow grease, so there's no point coming in until we get another tin.

If you need anything urgently while I'm away, just call me on my mobile.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it's quite nice not to have slippery elbows for a bit.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th April 2017

I run a small art gallery in my spare time and was visited yesterday by a famous collector looking for new talent.
He was very taken with a piece by a particularly promising young artist and asked me to talk him through it in detail.

Unfortunately the artist in question specialises in what we call "Extreme Panoramas" and in this case he's used a canvas measuring around forty five miles long.
Safe to say, I'm going to be here for quite some time.

If you need anything while I'm otherwise engaged, you can contact Rosie or Lou.
However, if you'd like to join us, just pop along to the gallery - as far as I'm concerned there's definitely an "Economies of scale" vibe to these guided viewings.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 18th April 2017

I found a mystery button under my desk and decided to press it. Turns out it was the release for the ejector seat.

Things happened pretty fast after that and I've been sent home while a) repairs to the ceiling are carried out and b) results from the pending enquiry come in.

if you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 7th April 2017

We've been "Hot desking" at work recently, but, predictably, I overdid it and mine caught on fire.

If you need anything while I'm being treated for minor burns and waiting for new office furniture you can call on Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 31st March 2017

I'm currently operating an open-door policy at work.

This'll probably lead to a great deal of confusion, because this kind of thing normally implies that I'm very open minded and supportive, but the reality is that I've left the office in a hurry and forgotten to close the door in the process.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie or Lou.
Go easy on them if they're a bit ratty, it's proper draughty.