I'm out of the office until Tuesday 28th February 2017

I've always been an ardent supporter of "Remain", but the results of the recent referendum have made it very clear that the majority support "Leave".
Fortunately, most of those who voted also ticked the "Return on 28th February" box, so I'll only be away from the office for about a week.

If you need anything while I'm obeying the will of the people, you can contact Lou, Rosie or Lucy.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 15th February 2017

Because of my youthful appearance, I've been mistaken for a child and sent back to primary school.
The positives to be taken from this are that all the lessons are really easy to understand and I'm pretty much top of the class.
The downside is that I'll be out of the office until they find out my real age, or until I get to secondary school and finish my GCSEs, whichever comes first.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou, Rosie or Lucy.

I'm out of the office until Monday 13th February 2017

I was trying to get to work yesterday, but when I got there the office had become really, really tiny, with tiny doors so small only an ant could get in.
I phoned up the guys and told them what had happened.
They explained that the office was still the normal size, but that I was very, very far away, making the building appear relatively small.
It now turns out that the office is so far away that it'll take me some considerable time to reach it.

If you need anything before I get in, call on Lou, Rosie or Lucy.

It seems so obvious now I think about it.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 2nd February 2017

Lately I've been having a lot of trouble in differentiating between reality and metaphor.
It's not been a major problem up to now, but then we hit a snag at work the other day and I ended up banging my head against a brick wall before being taken to hospital with concussion.

If you need any help while I'm recovering, you can call on Lou, Rosie or Lucy, who will bend over backwards to help you. No, really, it's insane, they can all do it.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th January 2017

Some of mankind's most incredible achievements were conceived in the workplace. But I'm not really looking for the kind of attention that comes with success, so I'm steering clear of the office for a few days to avoid anything that might inspire me to greatness.

Lou, Rosie and Lucy are still pegging away at it, so get in touch with them in case you need anything while I'm away.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th January 2017

I recently joined a band of freedom fighters in Mauritius and swore an oath to stay on until we’ve beaten back the opposition and retaken the capital.

Fairly soon after arriving yesterday I discovered that there’s not actually a war going on here and people are coexisting peacefully, so the job’s pretty much done and I should be on the next available flight home.

If you need anything while I’m travelling back, you can contact Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 3rd January 2017

It's been intense at work lately, so I'm taking a slow, relaxing bath and I'm using some pretty funky herbal bath salts in the hope it'll help me unwind.
Here's what the label says:
"Simply pour into your bath while the hot tap is running. Once the salts have dissolved, immerse yourself for at least a week in the calming herbal essences, which will sooth your body and help calm your mind."

I'll be back on 2nd January, but you might not immediately recognise me, either because I'll be unusually Zen about everything, or because I look like a fleshy prune. Or both.

If you need anything urgently, call me on the mobile.

Merry Christmas.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 29th November 2016

Welcome to this online course, which should help you to get up and running with knowing who's in the office and who isn't.

During the course you'll be familiarising yourself with a number of staff members and learning whether or not they are in the office.

Let's get started.

When looking to find out who isn't in the office until Tuesday 29th November, you should refer to this comprehensive list:

Me

In addition to this, it's really useful to know who is in the office. That way you will know who to contact in case you need any help.
Here are your options:

Lou
Rosie
Lucy
Lindsay

Congratulations! You've successfully completed the course.

What to do next - you should think about building on the skills you've learned in this course by considering the following modules:

Swivel chairs for beginners.
Pen or pencil? How and when to use them.
The door - an introduction to entering and leaving.
Where's the toilet?

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 22nd November 2016

I've taken up micro embroidery, a niche hobby needing a steady hand and a keen eye.
I don't have either, so I won't be able to come to the office until I've at least finished threading the needle.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Rosie.

Ahhhhhhhh! ... dropped it.

I'm out of the office until Monday 14th November 2016

I'm in the middle of a beauty therapy session and won't be able to come to the office until I've been peeled, scrubbed, exfoliated and moisturised to the point of exceptional loveliness.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

Given the amount of money it's costing me to roll back the years, I should look end up looking like a five year-old.