I'm out of the office until Tuesday 2nd January 2017

The cleaners have buffed everything in the office to such a high shine that I've slipped right off my chair, through the door, down the road and out of the country.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie or Lou - although you may have to wait a bit for them to answer, the phones got cleaned as well and now they're too slippery to pick up.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 29th September 2017

There's elections in Kenya, as you're probably aware.
What you won't know is that, following a catastrophic spelling error in one of the presidential candidate's campaign literature, I'm now in the running for high office.

They sent a limo round and picked me up this morning, so I'll be out of the office until I can either straighten this out, or try to implement the radical reforms that my supporters have been demanding for so long.

Contact Rosie if you need anything while I'm away.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 23rd August 2017

I've been making my own calendars recently and it's proving to be both cost-effective and therapeutic.
Naturally, as this is the first time I've done it, I'm bound to have made some mistakes. For instance, all the days for the next two weeks are missing, so it looks like I'll be away until 23rd August.

If you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie, Lou or Kristin.

The upside to all this, is that there's now an extra month called "Fabruary" - looking forward to that one.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 18th July 2017

I was searching for an online course to increase my productivity at work and eventually settled for one that promised "Results in no time".

What can I say? I've subsequently discovered that it's a scam and it turns out that I've actually been learning how to be LESS productive, so I'll be out of the office until Tuesday 18th July.

If you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

Just so you're aware, I'll likely be lazy and disorganised when I get back, until I can find another, more reliable source of training.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 5th July 2017

I've decided to commute to work using a new tram system. There isn't one - but I'm so stubborn that I'm just going to stand here and wait until they've built it.

If you need anything while I'm stuck here​, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

With my luck, I'll wait for years before I realise that nothing's going to happen, after which I'll have a series of realisations all at the same time.

I'm out of the office until Monday 19th June 2017

I've been poisoned, stabbed, beaten, set on fire, hit by cars and thrown out of a plane.
I'm a broken shell of a man - but nothing can stop me from getting to work, so that you and me can get things done.
Or so it thought... until I got to the office, reached a crippled hand into my pocket and found that I'd left my keys at home and couldn't get in.
I'm really very badly injured now, so it's going to take me quite a while to go back and get them.

In the meantime, if you need any help between now and next Monday, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th May 2017

The threat of nuclear war has forced me deep underground and I won't be coming back to work until the apocalypse has run it's course.
I reckon a day should pretty much do it, so I'll be back in the office on Friday.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou (or what's left of her).

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 2nd May 2017

You know me, I'm a hard worker. But I just looked in the cupboard and we're out of elbow grease, so there's no point coming in until we get another tin.

If you need anything urgently while I'm away, just call me on my mobile.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it's quite nice not to have slippery elbows for a bit.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th April 2017

I run a small art gallery in my spare time and was visited yesterday by a famous collector looking for new talent.
He was very taken with a piece by a particularly promising young artist and asked me to talk him through it in detail.

Unfortunately the artist in question specialises in what we call "Extreme Panoramas" and in this case he's used a canvas measuring around forty five miles long.
Safe to say, I'm going to be here for quite some time.

If you need anything while I'm otherwise engaged, you can contact Rosie or Lou.
However, if you'd like to join us, just pop along to the gallery - as far as I'm concerned there's definitely an "Economies of scale" vibe to these guided viewings.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 18th April 2017

I found a mystery button under my desk and decided to press it. Turns out it was the release for the ejector seat.

Things happened pretty fast after that and I've been sent home while a) repairs to the ceiling are carried out and b) results from the pending enquiry come in.

if you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie or Lou.