I'm out of the office until Friday 30th September 2016

Someone in HR dropped their lunch on the job description section of my contract, so legally my role is now "low fat soft cheese" and I've been moved out of the office and into aisle three, next to the Pecorino.

If you need help while I'm away, you can contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 22nd September 2016

The guys in the office are performing a ritual sacrifice and I can't abide the sight of blood (not in those quantities), so I won't be coming in until they're done (and cleaned up).

If you need anything while I'm away, you can go and see Lou, Rosie, or Lindsay - but don't interrupt the incantation, or they'll pluck out your heart.

I'm out of the office until Monday 19th September 2016

The people found me last night, aimlessly wondering the streets and so, naturally, they called the authorities.
Then the van turned up, then they shoved me into the back and drove off.

They put me in a cage in the corner and I'm not too sure what's going to happen now, but I'm definitely not going to make it into work, so call Rosie, Lou or Lindsay if you need anything.

If you do speak to the guys in the office, make sure and tell them to get me out of here. They'll need to turn up with proof of address and a record of my most recent vaccinations.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 8th september 2016

I organised a meeting this week, inviting only one person - me.
In this meeting we were to discuss my poor record of attendance at work.

Unfortunately, shortly after sending out the invitation I received a phone call from myself in which I offered my apologies, saying that, sadly, I would be out of the office until Thursday 8th September and therefore unable to attend.
I then referred myself to Lindsay if I had any further queries and bid myself a very good day.

The minutes of the meeting will reflect that we were unable to establish a quorum.