I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th October 2013

Hi, I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th September.
But don't just take my word for it, see what other people have been saying:

• "I thought he'd be in the office, but I was wrong - he wasn't."
• "One day he was here and the next he was gone. Luckily Lou and Lindsay were around to pick up the pieces of the mess he left behind."
• "He owes me money, but when I came to get it, he was conveniently absent, so I took his chair."
• "OMFG! His office is totally empty!"

I'm out of the office until Thursday 19th September 2013

Due to an administrative error I've been accidentally traded as a commodity and shipped abroad after being purchased by a gentleman from Saudi Arabia.
Although the problem has been flagged up by the relevant officials, international trade regulations stipulate that I have to be kept in a secure customs warehouse in Dubai until the requisite paperwork has been completed, after which time I will be able to return to the office.

If you need anything in the meantime please contact Lou or Lindsay.
Alternatively you could fill out a B23.1/592 (but you probably knew that already).

I'm out of the office until Monday 16th September 2013

It's uncommon knowledge that I was born one of twins. My brother and I were identical in every way and were inseparable until we reached the age of ten. On our tenth birthday, we were each blessed with a special gift.
My brother was endowed with the power of healing. He became a great doctor, saving countless lives and curing the sick in their thousands.
I was given the the ability to communicate my absence from work.

Behold:
I will be out of the office until Monday 16th September, if you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I know, impressive, isn't it?

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 11th September 2013

Lost, lost, lost am I to a sea of woes, rent by things unseen, displaced to parts where soul's dark hours pale when set beside.
Even blackness leaves this sunless pitch whence I find my tattered self, discarded and alone.
Frankly it's all a bit depressing, so I'm taking a few days off to convalesce.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay, who's merest whisper might melt the tears of brightest somethingorother.

I'm out of the office until Friday 6th September 2013

I'm stuck in the loo with no toilet paper and my family are off to visit the in laws for a few days, so I'll be out of the office until they get back, or until I can find a workaround (that's WORKAROUND, for those of you who can't hear text too well).
There are several copies of Vogue here, but things haven't got quite that bad yet.

If you need anything in the meantime you can contact Lou or Lindsay.