I'm out of the office until Friday 5th May 2017

The threat of nuclear war has forced me deep underground and I won't be coming back to work until the apocalypse has run it's course.
I reckon a day should pretty much do it, so I'll be back in the office on Friday.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou (or what's left of her).

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 2nd May 2017

You know me, I'm a hard worker. But I just looked in the cupboard and we're out of elbow grease, so there's no point coming in until we get another tin.

If you need anything urgently while I'm away, just call me on my mobile.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but it's quite nice not to have slippery elbows for a bit.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th April 2017

I run a small art gallery in my spare time and was visited yesterday by a famous collector looking for new talent.
He was very taken with a piece by a particularly promising young artist and asked me to talk him through it in detail.

Unfortunately the artist in question specialises in what we call "Extreme panoramas" and in this case he's used a canvas measuring around forty five miles long.
Safe to say, I'm going to be here for quite some time.

If you need anything while I'm otherwise engaged, you can contact Rosie or Lou.
However, if you'd like to join us, just pop along to the gallery - as far as I'm concerned there's definitely an "Economies of scale" vibe to these guided viewings.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 18th April 2017

I found a mystery button under my desk and decided to press it. Turns out it was the release for the ejector seat.

Things happened pretty fast after that and I've been sent home while a) repairs to the ceiling are carried out and b) results from the pending enquiry come in.

if you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 7th April 2017

We've been "Hot desking" at work recently, but, predictably, I overdid it and mine caught on fire.

If you need anything while I'm being treated for minor burns and waiting for new office furniture you can call on Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 31st March 2017

I'm currently operating an open-door policy at work.

This'll probably lead to a great deal of confusion, because this kind of thing normally implies that I'm very open minded and supportive, but the reality is that I've left the office in a hurry and forgotten to close the door in the process.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie or Lou.
Go easy on them if they're a bit ratty, it's proper draughty.

I'm out of the office until Monday 27th March 2017

I always leave a trail of breadcrumbs leading from my house to the office so that I can find my way in every day.
But, predictably enough, the birds have eaten everything and now I don't know how to get to work.

Rosie and Lou had the same idea, but they used small pebbles, so they'll be around if you need any help while I'm trying to get directions.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 23rd March 2017

I've been kidnapped by the Mafia and if they don't get what they want, they're going to post pieces of me back to the office, until there's nothing left.

But don't worry, even though nobody values me enough to pay the ransom, my medical insurance should cover the costs of the surgical team needed to put me back together once everything's been delivered.

If you need anything while we're waiting for the last bits of me to arrive, you can contact Lou or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Monday 20th March 2017

"Can't Get There from Here", was the first single released by R.E.M. from its third studio album, Fables of the Reconstruction in 1985.
A little known fact about the track is that it was written prophetically about my inability to get to work until Monday 20th March.

The B-side, entitled "Contact Lou or Rosie if you need any help while I'm away", was critically acclaimed by everyone who was originally looking to get in touch with me.

True story.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 9th March 2017

I've just been to that London - shopping, if you must know.
Picked up some great bargains, but the jewel in the crown has to be this gorgeous, black tactical combat jacket. It's been designed by the US military and has so many little compartments for storing stuff that I can't even begin to count them.

Unfortunately, as I was passing through security at Gatwick, they asked me to empty all my pockets and having done the maths, it looks like I won't be able to make it back to the office until Thursday at the earliest.

If you need anything while I'm stuck here, you can call on Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 28th February 2017

I've always been an ardent supporter of "Remain", but the results of the recent referendum have made it very clear that the majority support "Leave".
Fortunately, most of those who voted also ticked the "Return on 28th February" box, so I'll only be away from the office for about a week.

If you need anything while I'm obeying the will of the people, you can contact Lou, Rosie or Lucy.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 15th February 2017

Because of my youthful appearance, I've been mistaken for a child and sent back to primary school.
The positives to be taken from this are that all the lessons are really easy to understand and I'm pretty much top of the class.
The downside is that I'll be out of the office until they find out my real age, or until I get to secondary school and finish my GCSEs, whichever comes first.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou, Rosie or Lucy.

I'm out of the office until Monday 13th February 2017

I was trying to get to work yesterday, but when I got there the office had become really, really tiny, with tiny doors so small only an ant could get in.
I phoned up the guys and told them what had happened.
They explained that the office was still the normal size, but that I was very, very far away, making the building appear relatively small.
It now turns out that the office is so far away that it'll take me some considerable time to reach it.

If you need anything before I get in, call on Lou, Rosie or Lucy.

It seems so obvious now I think about it.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 2nd February 2017

Lately I've been having a lot of trouble in differentiating between reality and metaphor.
It's not been a major problem up to now, but then we hit a snag at work the other day and I ended up banging my head against a brick wall before being taken to hospital with concussion.

If you need any help while I'm recovering, you can call on Lou, Rosie or Lucy, who will bend over backwards to help you. No, really, it's insane, they can all do it.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th January 2017

Some of mankind's most incredible achievements were conceived in the workplace. But I'm not really looking for the kind of attention that comes with success, so I'm steering clear of the office for a few days to avoid anything that might inspire me to greatness.

Lou, Rosie and Lucy are still pegging away at it, so get in touch with them in case you need anything while I'm away.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th January 2017

I recently joined a band of freedom fighters in Mauritius and swore an oath to stay on until we’ve beaten back the opposition and retaken the capital.

Fairly soon after arriving yesterday I discovered that there’s not actually a war going on here and people are coexisting peacefully, so the job’s pretty much done and I should be on the next available flight home.

If you need anything while I’m travelling back, you can contact Lou.