I'm out of the office until Monday 7th April 2014

This week, instead of leaving the office, I've decided stay in exactly the same place.
 Unfortunately I failed to take into account the movement of the earth though space and so, although I have remained stationary, the office's relative position has shifted and consequently I am no longer in it.

If you need anything while the office is away from me, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom have a much firmer grasp of the science surrounding these issues.

It's exactly these kinds of minor miscalculations that cost me the nobel.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 27th March 2014

I've lost control of my legs and they've taken me far, far away from here.
So I've arranged for a net to be laid across my path to ensnare me and once I've been caught and tranquillised, I'll be able to return to the office.

If you need anything while I'm gone, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's also happened to them, in which case, we're going to need more nets.

I'm out of the office until Monday 24th March 2014

I've been asked to act as consultant on a film about absence from work, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 24th March. If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou. Ironically it's exactly this kind of consistent non appearance in the workplace that gets me well-paid gigs like this.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th March 2014

Hi there, I've become a rich Nigerian prince and something terrible has happened to me (that's why I'm not in the office right now).
In order to access my vast reserves of wealth, I need your help.
Here's what to do:
Firstly, contact Lou or Lindsay.
Secrecy is of the utmost importance, so when you contact the girls, mention only that you need something to do with a film of some description.
They will understand that this is just a code and proceed accordingly.
Then give them all your bank details and hang up.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 6th March 2014

I've recently joined a historical reenactment society.
This week we're doing King Charles' famous raid on the empty offices of the Roundheads.
I'm playing one of the Roundheads and to make sure that we keep everything as authentic as possible, I'll be out of the office until Thursday 6th March - just like they were.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
They'll be playing the Cavaliers, so it's probably best to wait until the raid's begun, otherwise they won't be in either.