I'm out of the office until Tuesday 4th March 2014

On the way to the market the other day I met an old man who sold me some magic beans, which I took home and planted in the garden.
By morning a huge beanstalk had sprouted and grown far up into the clouds.
In the spirit of adventure, I decided to climb the beanstalk, but fell and injured my back, so I'll be bed-bound and out of the office until Tuesady 4th March.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. One of them can lay golden eggs and the other one will likely eat you. Can't remember which is which.

I'm out of theoffice until Friday 28th February 2014

I've joined a violent gang of bikers, high on drugs and hellbent on chaos, so it's probably better if I stay away from the office for a while.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's something to do with extortion or robbery, in which case call me on my mobile and I'll see what I can do.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th February 2014

Fearing I'd be late for work yesterday, I rushed to the office at such speed that I've wildly over shot and it'll take me several days to get back.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Lindsay, both of whom have the good sense to be less hasty.

I'm out of the office until Friday 14th February 2014

I've become more powerful than you can possibly imagine and the insurers have insisted that I stay away from the office in case I mess everything up really badly.

If you need anything while I'm away, just think it and I'll make it happen.

Alternatively you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 10th February 2014

I don't actually work here.

Just like everyone else in my office, I'm just an actor employed to add ambiance to the vacant office buildings on the campus.
Our contracts run for a year and get renegotiated every January and it'll come as no great surprise that there's been some problems with the paperwork AGAIN!
So it looks I'll be out of the office until my agent can iron everything out.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
As you've probably guessed, those are just their stage names.