I'm out of the office until Friday 30th May 2014

The first rule of Out of Office Club is that you should never talk about Out of Office Club.
The second rule of Out of Office Club is that you must be out of the office until Friday 30th May.

 If you need anything while I'm away you have to contact Lindsay or Lou (rule 3).

I'm out of the office until Friday 23rd May 2014

We just bought a machine to detect how much I'm in the office and right now it's reading 0.

If you need anything before it reaches 7.2, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

(6.9 is the recommended level of presence before I can be considered "in the office", but we are nothing if not careful).

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 14th May 2014

I baked a massive cake at the weekend and brought it into work.
Unfortunately it's so large that it's got wedged in the door and it's blocking the entrance to the office, so until I can eat my way through, I won't be able to get to my desk.

You can contact Lou and Lindsay if you need anything in the meantime - they're trapped in the office trying to eat their way out.