I'm out of the office until 2nd May 2013

Following a freak flood and massive, simultaneous power surge, our freezer has malfunctioned and I've been encased in a huge block of ice. It's melting very slowly, but at the current rate, I should be able to return to the office on Thursday 2nd May.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou and Lindsay.

Aaaaaaah, brainfreeze!

I'm out of the office until Thursday 25th April 2013

Last Monday I accidentally left the caps off 250 white board pens and I've been off my face all week.
It turns out that the fumes from the Xlene they put in those babies is highly addictive and I've had to book myself into a clinic to straighten out, so I'll be out of the office until Thursday 2nd May.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can call my pen dealers Lindsay and Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 18th April 2013

One of my body parts has unexpectedly grown to an enormous size and it's now so large that I am unable to leave the house. As a result I'll be out of the office until it's gone down a bit.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

(If you can guess what it is, I'll have to a chocolate version of it made and sent to you).

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th April 2013

I've become a knight and have been sent on a quest to find a rare religious artifact, so I'll be out of the office until I succeed.

Historically, this has been an arduous and time-consuming task, with only a marginal chance of survival, but since the advent of the internet, things have become considerably easier.
As it happens, all I had to do was go to Ebay and type in "Grail".
I'm currently the highest bidder.

If you need anything in the meantime you can speak to the fair maidens Lady Lindsay and Lady Lou.

I'm out of the office until Monday 8th April 2013

I have recently become foreign and I won't be able to understand anything you say. I think it's like Finnish or something, so needless to say it's pretty complicated and I'm leaving the office for a while to avoid any confusion.
I've been assured that the English lessons I'm taking should help to get things back to normal and that I should be able to hold a decent conversation by the time I return on Monday 8th April.

If you need anything in the meantime you can speak to Lindsay or Lou. They've been affected as well, but you should be able to get by if you speak really slowly and raise your voice.