I'm out of the office until Monday 4th January 2016

I've given myself to someone as a Christmas present, so I'll be out of the office until I've been unwrapped, discarded, exchanged for something more impressive and then returned to my desk.

If you need any help over the festive period, you can contact me on my mobile.

Merry Christmas.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 23rd December 2015

I received my new passport on Thursday, but there's been a mix up and it appears that I'm now North Korean, so I'll be out of the office until I manage to successfully challenge my deportation order.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact me on the mobile.

In the meantime, "jangsuwa beon-yeong" as I think we say.

I'm out of the office until Friday 18th December 2015

Last night I had a dream where I was sitting at my desk, but I got up and left the office until Friday 18th December. Then you emailed me and received a message saying that you should contact Lindsay or Lou if you needed any help.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up and discovered it was all true!

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 15th December 2015

Following Graham's discovery last week, the Creative Department have decamped to his house en masse, where we'll be panning for gold in the stream at the bottom of his garden. Graham's told us that we have to keep working until we've made enough to cover the cost of his new car, but Steve's just found a massive nugget, so I reckon we could back to the office as soon as next Monday.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 15th December 2015

I've spent all my money on a massive pair shoes made of gold. Man, they look awesome.

Unfortunately, they're so heavy that I can't move when I'm wearing them, so I'll be out of the office until: a) I can bear to be without them, or b) my legs get stronger and I can manage to walk.

In the meantime you can contact Lindsay or Lou if you need any help.

They bought saffron sandals, which with hindsight was a much better idea.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 8th December 2015

I was mixing up a new batch of work last Friday and made it waaaaay too weak.
Normally it'd be strong enough to last for a full week, but the consistency of this stuff means I'll definitely be out of the office until Tuesday 8th December.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. They both get theirs from the shop, so it's always pretty reliable - doesn't smell as good as my home-made recipe, though.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 3rd December 2015

I've become one of the Greats, so I've taken a couple of days off to find out what I've done that's so awesome.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th November 2015

I've been hoist by my own petard, so I won't be around for a few days.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 20th November 2015

Just met a mate of mine on the way to work.
He managed to get some cash off his old man, so we're buying some sweets and fags and bunking off for a few days.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou.

With regards to the fags thing, I've told him all about the health risks and we've agreed to just eat the sweets.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 17th November 2015

I'm hiding from your lascivious gaze, so I'll be out of the office until you're prepared to view me with the respect and decency I deserve.

If you need anything while I'm away, just contact Lindsay or Lou. They're significantly more thick-skinned.

I'm out of the office until Monday 9th November 2015

I'm in a WWF (yes, the wrestling one) tag-team match, so I'll be out of the office until I've body-slammed Billy "the Guns" Brady and handed back to my partner to finish him off.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Man, these pants are tight.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 29th October 2015

The WWF (no, not the wrestling one) has just added me to their endangered species list.
They told me that I've been nearly hunted to extinction by poachers, because my ears are highly prized for use in popular Chinese herbal remedies.

Although there's no immediate danger here, my WWF case officer called me last night to tell me that I should probably keep my head down, just to be on the safe side, so I won't be able to come to work for a few days.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 22nd October 2015

Somebody at the office has been pushing my buttons. To make things worse, they've managed to hit the off switch and it's proving really difficult to turn me back on again.

If you need anything while I'm away getting fixed, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Hope the warranty's still valid.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 20th October 2015

I've been given an instruction book which details when to turn up at work.
It's written in a number of different languages, but the English section's been really badly translated and from what I can make out, I'm pretty sure it says I should leave the office on Thursday and return sometime Tuesday morning.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can call on Lindsay or Lou, who can both read Cantonese.

I'm out of the office until Friday 9th October 2015

I've been moving much, much faster than usual through the week, so I'm already enjoying a relaxing Saturday afternoon while you slave away at your midweek chores.

I'll be back in the office on your Friday (my Monday), but if you need help with anything, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. They're also moving quickly, but tend to slow things right down around Friday to let the rest of the week catch up.

In the meantime, I'm off to get another beer - that last one went really fast.

And that one.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 7th October 2015

My out of office replies have become so famous that I've been asked to travel to Portsmouth dockyard  to christen the recently completed Royal Navy frigate, HMS Absent, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday afternoon.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 1st October 2015

We're playing a game of "Musical offices", which is just like musical chairs, but with offices instead of chairs.

Every day we all come to work, they start the music and when it stops, everyone runs to the nearest office and locks the door. It's pretty intense stuff and the games usually last around a week, depending on how many people are playing.

I got down to the last four this time round, but now I'm stuck in the corridor until Friday 2nd October.

Lindsay Lou and Rosie are still playing, so you can drop them a line if you need any help.

I'm out of the office until Monday 28th September 2015

I think everyone probably understands the butterfly effect - a small shift in one thing affects a massive change in something seemingly unrelated.

Bear that in mind, and maybe it'll be easier to understand why unseasonably heavy rainfall in Panama means that I'll be out of the office until Monday.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay, Lou, or Rosie, but be careful you don't start a chain of events that dooms us all.

I'm out of the office until Friday 25th September 2015

I always travel to the office on the back of a giant Bengal tiger.

Unfortunately, Günther (that's the tiger) started freaking out on Monday evening and no one can get near him.
So until he calms down, I'm kind of of stuck here at home.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay, Lou, or Rosie.

In the meantime, apologies - I can't help thinking this could have all been so easily avoided.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 17th September 2015

I'm under siege.
They're attacking both gates - I'm being hit from all sides.

I've got enough supplies to last until at least February, but I'm expecting reinforcements around Thursday, which should allow me to turn the tables and return to the office.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

Of course there's always the chance that they might break through, in which case we're prepared to fight to the last man - although seeing as I'm the only one here, it should be over pretty fast.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 9th September 2015

This is my out of office reply.
Do come in and have a look around, won't you?
As you'll see it's a relatively sumptuous four paragraph affair with a lavish variety of carefully selected words and a fetching black sans serif type set on a pristine white background.
Very de rigeur.

Anyway, I'm just going to pop out for a few days and you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie if you need anything.

Now, where did I put their contact details? I think they're just under the penultimate sentence ... aah yes:

admin@outofofficereplies.com

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th September 2015

I'm doing a job swap with a colleague this week, but it turns out that they're out of the office until Friday 5th September - so I'll be taking on the mantle of their absence until then.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Rosie.

I'm not too sure this is helping to expand my skill base as quickly as was intended.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 1st September 2015

You can think of me as the jam in the middle of a tasty cake.

Now, imagine that you've just bought a piece of the cake along with a nice cup of tea and then found out that the jam was missing!

You'd be within your rights to be pretty annoyed.

You paid for cake with jam in the middle and frankly, you've been let down.

You see, the office is a lot like a cake and although you might be expecting it to be filled with jam (remember, that's me), it's just not there.

Fortunately, it turns out that the cake is replete with delicious chocolate chips (that's Lou, Lindsay and Rosie). Just eat them all up and in no time you'll have forgotten all about the whole jam debacle.

Nomnomnomnomnom.

I'm out of the office until Monday 20th July 2015

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold, but the food poisoning I suffered yesterday suggests that it should be thoroughly heated through and preferably discarded if left out for too long.

Needless to say I'll be out of the office until I can no longer pass the "eye of the needle" test.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 16th July 2015

I always tell everyone that I'm married to my work.

But lately, we've not been seeing eye to eye and things have got so bad that we've agreed a trial separation, so I'll be out of the office until Thursday 16th July, just to give each other some space.

 Lou, Lindsay and Rosie are acting as go-betweens, so drop them a line if you need anything.

I'm out of the office until Friday 10th July 2015

Astronomers are waking up to news that I've been sighted in one of the outer arms of the galaxy, orbiting a T-class sun.

For them, it's an exciting discovery that many will see as the answer to one of the biggest questions in astrophysics.
For me it's an inconvenience which means I'll be out of the office until Friday 10th July.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 8th July 2015

We've had builders in at work reconfigure the office.
They've just finished the last bit, but because of a spelling error on the plans, the whole building's been re-located to Bogotá, so I'll be unable to get to work until my visa application comes through.

If you need anything while I'm waiting, you can contact Lindsay, Lou, Rosie, or the Columbian authorities.

I'm out of the office until Friday 3rd July 2015

I've commissioned a distinguished portrait artist to paint me not being at work.

We've discussed the look and feel of the finished picture and agreed that it would be best if I was out of the office until Friday 3rd July. That way, he'll have enough time to really capture the essence of my empty chair and desk.

Lou, Lindsay and Rosie will be pictured in the background, helping anyone who needs me while I'm away.

I'm out of the office until Monday 29th June 2015

Found this in the classified ads of this week's newspaper and thought of you:

"Fourty something, out-of-the-office type, seeks work colleague to email him for disappointing lack of contact. Must be well-mannered and willing to contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie for help. No time wasters."

I think you should go for it.

I'm out of the office until Friday 19th June 2015

The King gathered us all together and asked,
"Are you ready to serve your King, to follow him, even if it means your death?"
And we all cried,
"YES! We are ready!"
And the King said,
"Then let us gather together here on the morrow and we will set forth. TOGETHER!!!!" And everyone cheered.

Except for me.

I told him that, unfortunately, I would be away until Friday 19th June, but that if he needed any help, he could contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

It's fair to say that he wasn't best pleased.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 3rd June 2015

I've lost the really nice thing we used to keep on the shelf, so we've decided to split in to two search parties to try and find it.

Alpha team, comprising Lou, Lindsay and Rosie, will sweep the office for any signs of it.
They'll also answer questions from anyone looking for Bravo team.

Bravo team will be mostly just me - I will be somewhere else.

We rendez-vous back in the office on Wednesday 3rd June.

I'm out of the office until Friday 26th May 2015

Here's the plan:

You email me and tell me that you need somethingorother (I'll leave the details up to you).
I'll make sure that you receive a message (probably this one), telling you that I'm not in the office right now.
This is the clever part - you get hold of Lou, Lindsay or Rosie and tell them that you need whatever it is and they'll help you with it.
Finally, I'll return to work on Friday 26th May and pick up where I left off.

Im out of the office until Wednesday 20th May 2015

I've got really cold hands and it's taking me ages to dress myself, so I'll be out of the office until I can do up my shirt and tie my shoelaces.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

If only I hadn't chosen the trousers with a button fly, this'd be a lot quicker.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 14th May 2015

I'm involved in a protracted fight with a villain.
Right now he's trying to hit me with a big, sharp thing that I keep avoiding at the last possible moment, but I have this feeling that I'm going to end up pinned down while he tries to strangle me, shortly before I miraculously turn the tables on him and win.
All in all this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would, so I'l be out of the office until Thursday 14th May.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th May 2015

I'm having the "Extended English Breakfast", which comprises, eggs, bacon (back and streaky, smoked and unsmoked), sausages, toast, fried bread, tomatoes, mushrooms, black pudding, beans (haricot, cannellini, broad, kidney, flageolet, butter, runner, borlotti, pinto, lima and garbanzo), kippers, bream, mackerel, cod, herring, turbot, pollock, prawn, squid, cheese (Cheddar, Brie, Roquefort, Camembert, Raclette, Reblochon), Cambozola, grapefruit, melon, ham (gammon (smoked and unsmoked), honey roast, breadded, Pancetta, Parma, San Daniele, Speck, Iberico), beef, lamb, pork, chicken, ox, mink, lynx, sphynx and chips - so I'll be out of the office until I've finished.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

They had Weetabix.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 5th May 2015

I'm feigning illness, so I'll be out of the office for just the right amount of time to make people think that it's something unpleasant, but not overly serious.

If you need anything while I'm "unwell," you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

You can also call me, but it'll be difficult to understand what I'm saying, because of the fake, whispery, rasping voice I use.

I'm out of the office until Friday 1st May 2015

I've been participating in a secret trial to develop a shrinking ray.
Obviously it's supposed to make me smaller, but instead, it's just shrunk the time I spend at work, so I'll be out of the office until Friday 1st May.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.
They've been undergoing tests to make them helpful and it's working really well.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 16th April 2015

This week, as part of a new themed approach to being away from work, I'll be out of the office in the style of René Descartes, whom many credit as being the father of modern Western philosophy.

If you need anything while I'm off garnering praise for my development of theories relating to analytical geometry, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 9th April 2015

I've fallen down the back of the sofa with all the bits of popcorn and pen lids, so I'll be out of the office until someone finds me while pulling out all the cushions looking for the TV remote.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

Oh, hey! There's a boiled sweet! Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 2nd April 2015

The machine that keeps me at work is undergoing some routine maintenance, so I'll be out of the office until it's fixed.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Rosie - they use a more reliable model, so they tend to be in.

I'm out of the office until Friday 27th March 2015

I've been reading a bedtime story to my children which I wrote myself.
It's the tale of a working man who leaves his office until Friday 27th March.

The plot also revolves around a group of people looking for the guy and in the end they all go and see Lindsay and Lou, who help them out.

As you've probably guessed, I've drawn heavily on my own experiences.

I'm out of the office until Friday 20th March 2015

Sometimes I like to be spoiled a little, so I've decided not to come back to the office until someone buys me a pony.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

It has to be a really nice pony, mind you, not just a normal one.

I'm out of the office until Friday 13th March 2015

You're looking for me, but you can't find me - it's just like I'm a Ninja warrior.
Ninja warriors can't be found because of their Ninja skills.
But unlike a Ninja warrior, you can't find me because you're looking in the office and I'm not there.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Sensei Lindsay or Sensei Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 10th March 2015

I've been left out on a park bench by a careless child, so I won't be in the office until someone picks me up from lost property.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 5th March 2015

I've been whisked off my feet by a handsome prince and taken far, far away.
I know it sounds like just like a fairytale, but it does mean that I'll be out of the office until he realises I'm not the princess he's looking for.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

My wife is going to be livid.

I'm out of the office until Monday 2nd March 2015

I'm in a Mexican standoff with a drugs baron and an FBI agent, so I'll either be:

a) Out of the office until everyone slowly lowers their guns

or:

b) Out of the office forever


If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 20th February 2015

I'm no longer governed by the conventional laws of physics and so, although technically I won't be anywhere, I definitely won't be in the office until Friday.

If you need anything while I'm wherever I am or am not, you should contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 18th February 2015

There's been a load of talk at work recently about how we're all starting to look and behave the same, so in order to distinguish myself from the others, I've decided to leave the office.
That way, if you see anyone in the office, you can be sure that it's definitely not me.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou, or it might be Lou and Lindsay - I can never tell them apart.

I'm out of the office until Friday 13th February 2015

I've found the solution to all of my problems, but unfortunately it involves leaving the office for a few days.

If you need anything while I'm away, I'm afraid you're out of luck - unless you have the same problems as me, in which case I may well have the answer.

Alternatively you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 5th February 2015

I'm having my hair cut by a blind man with miniature scissors, so I'll be out of the office until Thursday 5th February.

If you need anything while I'm in the chair, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Good thing I didn't go for highlights, or I'd be stuck here forever.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 29th January 2015

I'm being chased by an unusually persistent dog. Normally they give up after the first five minutes, but it's been two days non-stop and we're just approaching the outskirts of Bristol.

Hopefully he'll give up soon so I can get back to the office, but if you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 23rd January 2015

On a tour of a local brewery, I missed a step and fell into one of the vats.

The good news is that I love you all.
On the downside my memory's gone, I'm starting to feel a bit ill and I won't be in the office until I'm able to pick which of my desks is the real one.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Did I mention that I love you?

I'm out of the office until Monday 19th January 2015

I'm doing something for charity and won't be back in the office until I've gone a long way or done something a great many times.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

If you'd like to sponsor me, I'll leave a form on my desk. Most people are putting themselves down for 50p per unit length or repetition (whichever is the larger).

I'm out of the office until Thursday 15th january 2015

I'll be off for a couple of days attending a clinical trial to test whether or not I'm in the office.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 9th January 2014

I've been playing on a roundabout, but someone spun it around so fast that i got really dizzy and can't find my way to the office.

I'm trying to go round and round in the other direction to see if that'll help, but in the meantime, you should contact Lindsay or Lou (they're on the swings).