I'm out of the office until Tuesday 3rd January 2017

It's been intense at work lately, so I'm taking a slow, relaxing bath and I'm using some pretty funky herbal bath salts in the hope it'll help me unwind.
Here's what the label says:
"Simply pour into your bath while the hot tap is running. Once the salts have dissolved, immerse yourself for at least a week in the calming herbal essences, which will sooth your body and help calm your mind."

I'll be back on 2nd January, but you might not immediately recognise me, either because I'll be unusually Zen about everything, or because I look like a fleshy prune. Or both.

If you need anything urgently, call me on the mobile.

Merry Christmas.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 29th November 2016

Welcome to this online course, which should help you to get up and running with knowing who's in the office and who isn't.

During the course you'll be familiarising yourself with a number of staff members and learning whether or not they are in the office.

Let's get started.

When looking to find out who isn't in the office until Tuesday 29th November, you should refer to this comprehensive list:

Me

In addition to this, it's really useful to know who is in the office. That way you will know who to contact in case you need any help.
Here are your options:

Lou
Rosie
Lucy
Lindsay

Congratulations! You've successfully completed the course.

What to do next - you should think about building on the skills you've learned in this course by considering the following modules:

Swivel chairs for beginners.
Pen or pencil? How and when to use them.
The door - an introduction to entering and leaving.
Where's the toilet?

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 22nd November 2016

I've taken up micro embroidery, a niche hobby needing a steady hand and a keen eye.
I don't have either, so I won't be able to come to the office until I've at least finished threading the needle.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Rosie.

Ahhhhhhhh! ... dropped it.

I'm out of the office until Monday 14th November 2016

I'm in the middle of a beauty therapy session and won't be able to come to the office until I've been peeled, scrubbed, exfoliated and moisturised to the point of exceptional loveliness.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

Given the amount of money it's costing me to roll back the years, I should look end up looking like a five year-old.

I'm out of the office until Monday 7th November 2016

I've just undergone a life-changing experience.

Normally you'd expect this kind of thing to have a long-lasting and profound effect, but in this case it's just left me with the sincere belief that I should be out of the office until Monday 7th November.

I've subsequently tried to convince Rosie and Lindsay that they should do the same, but they can't seem to see things my way, so you can call on them if you need help with anything.

I'm out of the office until Monday 31st October 2016

Following the mental breakdown of my cosmetic surgeon, a routine botox session went horribly wrong and I now look uncannily like Barry Manilow.

The worst part is that my house has been surrounded by late middle-aged women, desperate to tear off my clothes and there's just no way I can get out of the house, so you should probably get in touch with Rosie if you need help with anything.

I'm out of the office until Friday 21st October 2016

There's a loose connection in one of my wires, so I'll be working sporadically for the next few days and you won't be able to rely on me at all.

Best give Rosie, Lou or Lindsay a call if you need anything.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 12th October 2016

I've been carried away by a giant bird (likely and Andean condor), so I'll be out of the office until something equally unlikely brings me back (probably a lynx).

If you need anything while I'm away, contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Friday 30th September 2016

Someone in HR dropped their lunch on the job description section of my contract, so legally my role is now "low fat soft cheese" and I've been moved out of the office and into aisle three, next to the Pecorino.

If you need help while I'm away, you can contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 22nd September 2016

The guys in the office are performing a ritual sacrifice and I can't abide the sight of blood (not in those quantities), so I won't be coming in until they're done (and cleaned up).

If you need anything while I'm away, you can go and see Lou, Rosie, or Lindsay - but don't interrupt the incantation, or they'll pluck out your heart.

I'm out of the office until Monday 19th September 2016

The people found me last night, aimlessly wondering the streets and so, naturally, they called the authorities.
Then the van turned up, then they shoved me into the back and drove off.

They put me in a cage in the corner and I'm not too sure what's going to happen now, but I'm definitely not going to make it into work, so call Rosie, Lou or Lindsay if you need anything.

If you do speak to the guys in the office, make sure and tell them to get me out of here. They'll need to turn up with proof of address and a record of my most recent vaccinations.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 8th september 2016

I organised a meeting this week, inviting only one person - me.
In this meeting we were to discuss my poor record of attendance at work.

Unfortunately, shortly after sending out the invitation I received a phone call from myself in which I offered my apologies, saying that, sadly, I would be out of the office until Thursday 8th September and therefore unable to attend.
I then referred myself to Lindsay if I had any further queries and bid myself a very good day.

The minutes of the meeting will reflect that we were unable to establish a quorum.

I'm out of the office until Monday 5th September 2016

We had a massive clear out the other day and now the office looks just spiffy.
Turns out there was a whole heap of stuff we didn't need, so we bagged it all up and sent it off to be recycled.

What we didn't realise was that we'd been a bit overzealous and got rid of all my work days from 22nd August to 2nd September.

Sensibly, Lou, Rosie and Lindsay kept all theirs in a safe place, so they'll be around to help you out while I'm away.

You should also know that all of my hours at work are obtained from sustainable sources.

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th August 2016

The tests are back in and because of a rare genetic abnormality (from my mother's side), it seems that I'm slowly turning into tasty cakes.
It doesn't affect how I work, but the problem is that all the people in the office keep sneaking up and nibbling bits off me.

Without treatment, the condition will only worsen, so I'm taking some time off to convalesce.
Equally, if I stay at work, I'll be preyed upon by my colleagues until there's nothing left.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

No, Lindsay! Leave my current buns alone!

I'm out of the office until Monday 8th August 2016

Our work has always been a beautifully choreographed ballet of endeavour.
For us to function so perfectly together, each of our movements must flow seamlessly from one to the next.

Unfortunately, I dance like a spanner, so I tend not to be in so much.

If you need anything while I'm away contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 27th July 2016

The practical jokers in the office put a whoopee cushion on my chair and it frightened me clear into next week, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 27th July.

 If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Monday 18th July 2016

Now that I'm all done with the charity bank heist and the "bath of lager", I've ticked off pretty much everything on my bucket list.
But, because I forgot to order the list in terms of things that are most exciting, the only thing left to do is to leave the office on 13th July, go somewhere else and return on Monday 18th.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Monday 11th July 2016

Like everyone, I've got a switch in my house that doesn't seem to do anything.
Normally we leave it off, just 'cos we reckon it's safer that way.
But the other day I thought I'd flick it on and see what what happens.
Turns out it stops me going to work, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 11th July.

If you need anything while I'm out, you can contact Lou or Rosie - they're permanently switched on.
To be clear, that's "switched" and not "turned".

I'm out of the office until Monday 18th July 2016

So you wanted some help and you got an automated response - well boo hoo.
Think you can just mail me and expect me to be in? THINK AGAIN!!

Now, don't just sit there like sorry sack of mope, pull yourself together, get back to the keyboard and contact Lou.
She'll be able to sort you out, but don't expect an easy ride - we're fresh out of sympathy.

And manners.

I'm out of the office until Monday 4th July 2016

Don't bother me now, we've lost two engines, the rudder's not responding and I'm fighting the stick just to keep us in the air.
Look, if you need help, go talk to Lou and Rosie, or just make yourself useful and get back there to see if you can help the injured.

If I can't keep this baby flying, making it back to the office on Monday will be the least of my problems.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 22nd June 2016

I'm being displayed at the V&A in an exhibition about contemporary absence from work, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 22nd June.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should call on Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 17th June 2016

We went to see a magician last night.

He picked me out of the audience and got me to stand in this empty box, after which he magicked me away and I disappeared.

What we didn't realise at the time was that it was real magic, so I'll be unable to come to the office until he plucks me from behind the ear of an unsuspecting punter in a ground-breaking street performance that will have everyone talking for years.

If you need any help while I'm away, say the magic words and Rosie or Lou will appear from nowhere and sort everything out.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 8th June 2016

You may already be aware, but today marks the 700th anniversary of the first recorded out of office reply.

On this day in 1316, Friar Andrew of Segni left the Baja Monastery in Hungary on a pilgrimage to Italy, leaving behind a note which read:
"Blessed bretheren, I have left the holy walls of our home to attend the needy and to carry the good Word to all I meet. Should you have need of assistance, seek council from Brother Giovani Vinitti."

To mark the day, I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 8th June.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Sister Rosie or Sister Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 2nd June 2016

I've been locked down after a leak, so don't bother trying to contact me until the decon crew have flushed the system and run a full diagnostic.

Contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay if you need anything until I pass standard level 2 checks.

I'm out of the office until Friday 27th May 2016

I'm harvesting strands of absence from a field of time.

On finding a seed of enquiry, call on Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.
Perhaps they will plant it in the fertile soil of their knowledge, from which springs forth the flowers of enlightenment.

Either way, I'm not in.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 18th May 2016

Some science thing's happened that's left me weightless and drifting away from the office.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie or Lindsay, although I'm not too sure they fully understand the seriousness of the situation.

I say "seriousness", but what I obviously mean is "gravity".

I'm out of the office until Friday 13th May 2016

In last night's pub quiz tiebreaker, the question was,
"Who is out of the office until Friday 13th May 2016?"
I told them it was me - which was the right answer.
First prize was two nights in a hotel somewhere quite far away, so I'll be out of the office until Friday 13th May.

If you need anything while I'm gone, you have to answer the following question:
"What can Rosie and Lindsay help you with?"
Send your answers to Rosie and Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 29th April 2016

I'm up here in the rarified air and earthly things, like turning up for work, are of no consequence to me. So I'll be out of the office until a sense of reality seeps back into my life.

Lou, Rosie and Lucy are around to help out while I'm away.
Or not.
It's just another thing that doesn't really register with me right now.

I'm out of the office until Friday 22nd April 2016

"It's a sure thing", they said.
"Can't miss", they said, "you'll definitely be in the office".

So, got myself down the bookies and stuck a monkey on the nose at 10 to 1.

Might as well have flushed it down the khazee - turns out I'm not back in until Friday.

Never mind, here's a hot tip: contact Lou, Rosie or Lucy and they'll help you out.
Trust me.

I'm out of the office until Friday 15th April 2016

Because of the recent influx of traffic into the department, I've been placed in a holding pattern around a beacon outside the office until the congestion's eased.

If you need any help while I'm up there, you can call on Lou, Rosie, or Lucy - they landed earlier.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 7th April 2016

I've been practicing the ancient art of "Being in the Office", but as I'm just a beginner, I'll be away until Thursday 7th April.

If you need anything while I'm gone, you should contact Lindsay or Lou - they've been doing it for years, so they should be in.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 30th March 2016

Imagine yourself on a beautiful beach, wind gently caressing the trees, waves lapping slowly along the perfect, white sands.

You breathe slowly, deeply..
in...
out...
in...
out...

You are at peace.

All is well.

You no longer need my assistance.

You speak to Lindsay and Lou and all your worries simply melt away.

You leave five pounds in the right hand drawer under my desk - it makes you happy.

I'm out of the office until Monday 21st March 2016

As you've no doubt heard by now, I've been replaced by an artificial intelligence.
My job no longer requires any physical presence and so it was only my brain that was of any use (if we're being charitable).

But don't be sad. Remember those violent mood swings I used to have? I'm taking them with me.
And the "mystery biscuit thief"? Gone.

If you need anything from my corporeal self, you should contact Lindsay and Lou (or that's what we're calling them, for the sake of nostalgia).

I'm out of the office until Thursday 17th March 2016

I've been asked to command the Russian Federation's Baltic Fleet, so I'll be out of the office until I've handed the jurisdiction back to the Western Joint Strategic Command.

If you need help with anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

Alternatively, if you're looking to initiate a strategic, sea-based missile strike, you should try my adjutant, Yevgeni Sergeyevich.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 10th March 2016

We were looking at my log book yesterday and it seems like I'm due for a full service, so I'll be out of the office until Thursday 10th March.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Lucy.

I just know they're going to suggest reaming out my gaskets.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 3rd March 2016

I've injured myself typing this out of office reply, so I'll be out of the office until I've recovered from the irony.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Lucy.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 1st March 2016

The rumour mill works very fast round here.

I heard that you'd sent me an email about something and you got this automated response telling you that I was out of the office until Thursday 3rd March.

Someone also said that Lou, Lindsay and Lucy were dealing with my stuff while I was away - which I'd take with a pinch of salt if I were you.

In case you were wondering, the rumour that I am actually you is entirely groundless.

I'm out of the office until Monday 29th February 2016

I drove past a sign the other day.
It said, "All you can eat chicken dinner £5. Offer on for two weeks only."
Naturally I went in to check it out.

It was only after the fourth helping that I found out I had to actually stay in the restaurant for two weeks to validate the offer, so I'll be out of the office for longer than I thought.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Lucy.

Nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom.

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th February 2016

I was straining really hard the other night and done myself a mischief, so I'll be out of the office until the swelling's gone down.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Reckon I've probably gone and torn a whatsit.

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th February 2016

I can't share any sensitive company information with you, so I'm not at liberty to discuss where I am right now. You're just going to have to get used to not knowing if I'm out of the office until Friday 5th February.
And don't go thinking that receiving this email implies my absence, because it doesn't.

If I did happen to be away and you needed something, you could always contact Lou or Lindsay, but don't go thinking that you'll be any wiser as to my whereabouts afterwards.

Come to think of it, I shouldn't really be telling you their names, either.

I'm out of the office until Friday 29th January 2016

I'm hallucinating wildly about being chased buy a giant pair of trousers (button fly) and won't be back in the office until either:
a) I've come to my senses.
or
b) I've managed to lose them in the back streets.

If you need anything while I'm on the run, call on Lindsay and Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 26th January 2016

Whatever you do, don't drink from the bottle marked "special formula", unless, of course, you want to be out of the office until Tuesday 26th January.

I did, and now you have to call on Lou or Lindsay if you need anything.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 14th January 2016

I have a vivid memory of moving to a new school when I was young.
On my first day the teacher introduced me to the class and then asked if I'd stand and tell everyone something about myself.
Even at that age, I had a very clear idea of who I was and where I was going in life, so I stood up and announced that my name was Lenny and that I would be out of the office between 12th and 14th January 2016.
I said that if anyone was looking for help while I was away that they should contact Lindsay or Lou.

The teacher later remarked to my parents that I had a rare gift - perhaps in part because, at the time this happened, Lindsay and Lou hadn't been born.