I'm out of the office until Wednesday 3rd June 2015

I've lost the really nice thing we used to keep on the shelf, so we've decided to split in to two search parties to try and find it.

Alpha team, comprising Lou, Lindsay and Rosie, will sweep the office for any signs of it.
They'll also answer questions from anyone looking for Bravo team.

Bravo team will be mostly just me - I will be somewhere else.

We rendez-vous back in the office on Wednesday 3rd June.

I'm out of the office until Friday 26th May 2015

Here's the plan:

You email me and tell me that you need somethingorother (I'll leave the details up to you).
I'll make sure that you receive a message (probably this one), telling you that I'm not in the office right now.
This is the clever part - you get hold of Lou, Lindsay or Rosie and tell them that you need whatever it is and they'll help you with it.
Finally, I'll return to work on Friday 26th May and pick up where I left off.

Im out of the office until Wednesday 20th May 2015

I've got really cold hands and it's taking me ages to dress myself, so I'll be out of the office until I can do up my shirt and tie my shoelaces.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

If only I hadn't chosen the trousers with a button fly, this'd be a lot quicker.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 14th May 2015

I'm involved in a protracted fight with a villain.
Right now he's trying to hit me with a big, sharp thing that I keep avoiding at the last possible moment, but I have this feeling that I'm going to end up pinned down while he tries to strangle me, shortly before I miraculously turn the tables on him and win.
All in all this is taking a lot longer than I thought it would, so I'l be out of the office until Thursday 14th May.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th May 2015

I'm having the "Extended English Breakfast", which comprises, eggs, bacon (back and streaky, smoked and unsmoked), sausages, toast, fried bread, tomatoes, mushrooms, black pudding, beans (haricot, cannellini, broad, kidney, flageolet, butter, runner, borlotti, pinto, lima and garbanzo), kippers, bream, mackerel, cod, herring, turbot, pollock, prawn, squid, cheese (Cheddar, Brie, Roquefort, Camembert, Raclette, Reblochon), Cambozola, grapefruit, melon, ham (gammon (smoked and unsmoked), honey roast, breadded, Pancetta, Parma, San Daniele, Speck, Iberico), beef, lamb, pork, chicken, ox, mink, lynx, sphynx and chips - so I'll be out of the office until I've finished.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

They had Weetabix.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 5th May 2015

I'm feigning illness, so I'll be out of the office for just the right amount of time to make people think that it's something unpleasant, but not overly serious.

If you need anything while I'm "unwell," you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Rosie.

You can also call me, but it'll be difficult to understand what I'm saying, because of the fake, whispery, rasping voice I use.