I'm out of the office until Wednesday 27th July 2016

The practical jokers in the office put a whoopee cushion on my chair and it frightened me clear into next week, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 27th July.

 If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Monday 18th July 2016

Now that I'm all done with the charity bank heist and the "bath of lager", I've ticked off pretty much everything on my bucket list.
But, because I forgot to order the list in terms of things that are most exciting, the only thing left to do is to leave the office on 13th July, go somewhere else and return on Monday 18th.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Monday 11th July 2016

Like everyone, I've got a switch in my house that doesn't seem to do anything.
Normally we leave it off, just 'cos we reckon it's safer that way.
But the other day I thought I'd flick it on and see what what happens.
Turns out it stops me going to work, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 11th July.

If you need anything while I'm out, you can contact Lou or Rosie - they're permanently switched on.
To be clear, that's "switched" and not "turned".

I'm out of the office until Monday 18th July 2016

So you wanted some help and you got an automated response - well boo hoo.
Think you can just mail me and expect me to be in? THINK AGAIN!!

Now, don't just sit there like sorry sack of mope, pull yourself together, get back to the keyboard and contact Lou.
She'll be able to sort you out, but don't expect an easy ride - we're fresh out of sympathy.

And manners.