I'm out of the office until Friday 2nd January 2015

A colleague recently advised me that my life would be vastly improved if I tried harder to live in the present, so I've had myself wrapped in cardboard, shiny paper and ribbons.
Consequently I won't be able to return to the office until I've been unwrapped.

If you need anything very urgently you can call me on my mobile, but you should probably let it ring for a while as I'm finding it quite hard to reach my pockets.

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th December 2014

I'm in Paris right now for the premiere of my fabulous new Winter/Spring collection based on the theme of not being in the office.
It's mostly casual wear, aimed at the discerning man or woman who wants something a little more unique for when they're away from work.
I'm currently sporting a particularly epic chemise with peach epaulettes and in keeping with the sprit of the range, I'm out of the office.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lou or Rosie - both of whom are just wearing work clothes.

I'm out of the office until Monday 8th December 2014

I'm assembling a flatpack wardrobe to house my collection of antique Victorian smoking jackets and it's proving much harder than I thought.
The sides are up and the top's on and now the instructions say:
"Once D10 and E5 have been secured, you should leave the office until Monday 8th December."

If you need anything while I'm away, I'll send you the manual for contacting Lindsay and Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 28th November 2014

I've just been looking at the minutes of our last meeting and one of my action points seems to be leaving the office until 28th November.

Under "any other business", it says that you should contact Lindsay or Rosie while I'm away.

Thank goodness someone was taking notes, or I would have totally forgotten.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th November 2014

I've floated myself on the stock market and I'm currently trading at around £3.20 per share (up from £2.80 in the first week).
The plan is to sell at £4.50 and then return to the office.

If you need anything while I'm improving shareholder value, you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th November 2014

I'm being served an exquisite 79 course gourmet meal at that fancy new French restaurant, "La Plume de ma Tante".
We started last Friday evening and it looks like we won't be done until Wednesday at the earliest.

If you need anything while I'm between the Ballotine of Marmoset and the Fois Gras Decoupage, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 6th November 2014

Don't you find that the workplace can sometimes feel like a foreign country?
I'm feeling like that right now, but that's just because I'm quite far away from it until Thursday 6th November.

If you need anything while I'm off, you can contact Lindsay or Jenna.
They probably speak the language there - I know I don't.

I'm out of the office until Monday 3rd November 2014

As a child, my Grandfather would sit me on his knee and give me advice.
It's funny, but I can only really remember a couple of the things he told me.
The one that sticks out the most is,
"If you do one thing in this life, make sure that you're out of the office until Monday 3rd November."

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Jenna.

I'm out of the office until Friday 24th October 2014

I'm heading for oblivion at breakneck speed, on fire, with no way to stop and no intention of doing so.

This kind of instability and errant dynamics just aren't welcome in the quiet, tranquil backwaters of the office, so I won't be in work until my movements come to an inevitable and probably violent end.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Jenna or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 21st October 2014

I'm secreting an unknown substance and will be out of the office until the government scientists lift the quarantine.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Jenna.

I'm out of the office until Monday 13th October 2014

I'm taking some time out to oversee the launch of my new fragrance, "Absence", so I'll be out of the office until Monday 13th October.
I'm hoping that everyone will be captivated by this exciting new scent, redolent of crisp Spring mornings and empty chairs.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Jenna or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Monday 6th October 2014

I've lost my marbles, so I'll be out of the office until I've picked them all up - even the ones that went under the fridge.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Jenna or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Wenesday 1st October 2014

I've been exposed by the tabloid press and so, on the advice of my lawyers, I'm going to ground until Wednesday 1st October to let it blow over.
Frankly I'm devastated that the press can just walk into somebody's life like this and tear it apart.
On the up side, I've been granted an injunction to stop the story before it gets too big and my lawyers have acted so quickly that even I don't know what any of this is about.

Naturally if you need anything while I'm hiding out you can contact Jenna or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 25th Septemebr 2014

In order to carry out a series of nefarious and underhanded plans, I have become a master of disguise. While this is a boon in the world of espionage, I cannot be recognised by anyone at work and consequently security will not grant me access to the property, so I'll be out of the office until I'm able remove this enormous rubber nose and fake breasts.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Rosie.

However, if you have to see me urgently, come to the butchers on Farrow Lane and ask for Mrs. Le Clerq.

I'mout of the office until Monday 22nd September 2014

I've successfully completed the first 50% of an advanced engineering project, which allows me to be in two places at once. With the programme now at the landmark half way point, I'm finally able to make myself appear in one specific place - sadly not the office.

While I'm off working on a way to overcome what we are terming the "workplace limitation", you can contact Jenna or Rosie for assitance.

Now that the excitement's wearing off, I can't help feeling that the second half of the project will present some slightly tougher challenges.

I'm out of the ofice until Monday 15th September 2014

I've been trapped by a Kalahari Bushman, so I'll be out of the office until I can manage to secure my release.

If you need help with anything urgent while I'm away, you can call me on my mobile.

Normally I wouldn't be caught so easily, but I really wasn't expecting a Kalahari Bushman.
I mean, you don't, do you?

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 10th September 2014

I'm backing a huge articulated lorry along a really long, winding, narrow dirt road on the side of a mountain, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday 10th September.

If you really need something urgently, you can call me on my mobile, but do try to phone after I've got past the bit with the rickety rope bridge, to avoid distracting me unduly.

I'm out of the office until Friday 5th September 2014

"I am out of control, and at times hard to handle"
- Marilyn Monroe

"I am out with lanterns, looking for myself"
- Emily Dickinson

"I am out of breath in this fond chase. The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace"
- Helena, Midsummer Night's Dream.

"I am out of the office until 5th September "
- Lenny.

You can contact Jenna if you need anything while I'm away, but don't quote me on that.

I'm out of the office until Monday 1st September 2014

I've collapsed in on myself and no longer exist.
The science is a bit complicated, but essentially it means that I'll be out of the office until Monday 1st September.

Fortunately for you, Jenna and Rosie have metaphysically expanded to fill the vacuum I've left, so you know who to see while I'm gone.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 14th August 2014

Here's a wonderful recipe that I've been using for being out of the office, taken from last week's Observer:

Ingredients
100g salted peanuts
300ml cranberry juice
100ml Absolut Vodka

Method
Mix the cranberry juice and vodka to taste, then decant the peanuts into a small bowl.
Place both the drink and the peanuts on a side table next to a comfy chair.
Sit down in the chair and drink the cocktail, occasionally eating the peanuts as the mood takes you.
Stay in the chair and do not return to the office until 14th August.

Tip: to make things go really smoothly, make sure everyone calls Jenna and Rosie if they need help while you're away.

I'm out of the office until Friday 8th August 2014

I've been breeched.
It all happened about sixteen hours ago.
I've got three crews working round the clock to try and seal the hole and pump out all the water, but even if we stop the ingress, I'm going to be unable to return to the office until I've been stripped out and refitted.
If you need anything while I'm out of action you can contact Jenna or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Monday 4th August 2014

I've recently been attending a drama evening class and I'm really excited about this weeks assignment, for which we were told to imagine not being in the office until Monday 4th August.

Jenna and Rosies' assignments were to play out scenes in which you contact them if you need any help while I'm "away".

I have to say, they're properly nailing it.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 24th July 2014

We'll soon be opening a new high street store called "World of Out of Office Replies", where you can browse through a range of sumptuous reasons for not being in the office.

I'm currently trialling a new model which makes me out of the office until Thursday 24th July.

At no extra cost, it comes with Lou, Jenna and Rosie who can help you while I'm away.

Bargain.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 22nd July 2014

Reader's Digest recently published an article listing the top ten things that you won't find in the office.
Imagine my surprise and delight when I found I was at number seven.

Lou, Jenna and Rosie didn't even make the top fifty - so you can call them if you need anything while I'm away.

I'm out of the office until Friday 18th July 2014

We recently did some psychological profiling at work and one of the questions asked how we would best describe ourselves.
Naturally, I said that I had always considered myself to be the kind of person who would be out of the office until Friday 18th July.

What was weird was that Lou, Jenna or Rosie all said that they were the kind of people you should contact while I'm away.

I'm out of the office until Monday 14th July 2014

From the recently revised King James Bible, Deuteronomy, Chapter 1:vs 9-11

"And I spake unto you at that time, saying, therefore shall I not reside within the limits of mine office until Monday 14th July.
And, lo, should mine absence afflict thee, seek thou the council of Lou and Rosie, upon whom was laid that most precious of knowledge.
Oh, and also, blessed art the bringers of the cake."

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 2nd July 2014

I've become a famous multi-award-winning chef and now run a fabulous mountain-top restaurant frequented by A-list Hollywood stars, heads of state and wealthy businessmen.
Having said that, it's only part-time, so I should be back in the office on 2nd July.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou or Rosie - unless you're looking for a starter or main course, in which case I think we have a table free in February.

I'm out of the office until Friday 27th June 2014

I've lost my list of things to do today - which is a bummer, because first on the list was to go to work. So I guess I'll be out the office until I can find it.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Rosie.

I would have given them a copy (to avoid things like this happening), but that was one of the other things on the list.

I'm out of the office until Friday 20th June 2014

I'm having tea with a chatty old lady, who's continuously plying me with biscuits and cake.
It's one of those awkward situations where I really have to leave, but I can't seem to find the right time to excuse myself.
Normally I wouldn't complain, but it's been two days now and I really need to get back to the office.

If you need anything in the meantime you can contact Lindsay or Lou - but don't tell them about the cake or we'll all get stuck here.

I'm out of the office until Friday 13th June 2014

We've lost the office dictionary and so I'm unable to define exactly what the office is.
This being the case, I can't really guarantee that I'm going to be in it until we can nail down the proper meaning.

 If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
They looked it up online.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 12th June 2014

I've taken the blue pill, so I won't be in the "office" for a while.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Also, remember there is no spoon.

I'm out of the office until Friday 6th June 2014

In a recent survey at work, 80% of respondents were concerned that I wouldn't be in the office right now.
In the follow up study, it turned out that their concerns were well placed, as I'm out of the office until Friday 6th June.

Other results from the survey showed that 95% of people thought that you should contact Lindsay or Lou if you need anything while I'm away.

Alarmingly, most of those surveyed thought that there was a 50% chance that I would be only 35% in the office at any one time.

I'm out of the office until Friday 30th May 2014

The first rule of Out of Office Club is that you should never talk about Out of Office Club.
The second rule of Out of Office Club is that you must be out of the office until Friday 30th May.

 If you need anything while I'm away you have to contact Lindsay or Lou (rule 3).

I'm out of the office until Friday 23rd May 2014

We just bought a machine to detect how much I'm in the office and right now it's reading 0.

If you need anything before it reaches 7.2, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

(6.9 is the recommended level of presence before I can be considered "in the office", but we are nothing if not careful).

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 14th May 2014

I baked a massive cake at the weekend and brought it into work.
Unfortunately it's so large that it's got wedged in the door and it's blocking the entrance to the office, so until I can eat my way through, I won't be able to get to my desk.

You can contact Lou and Lindsay if you need anything in the meantime - they're trapped in the office trying to eat their way out.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 1st May 2014

I recently volunteered to take part in some abstract clinical studies which are being run to test how people are affected by temporary absence from work.
In this round of tests I've agreed to be out of the office until Thursday 1st May.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

So far I'm not experiencing any ill effects from the treatment. In fact, I have to say I'm feeling pretty awesome.

I'm out of the office until Monday 28th April 2014

I've landed on Community Chest.
The card reads, "Leave the office until Monday 28th April."

As you probably know, the rules say that you have to contact Lindsay or Lou while I'm away

- unless I roll a double.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 24th April 2014

I've recently become really, really evil, so I'll be out of the office for a few days, twisting the moral fabric of society until it snaps.

It's not the first time and it tends to pass quite quickly, but if you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

As you'd expect, I'm thinking terrible thoughts about you right now.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 22nd April 2014

The Police called yesterday, to tell us that a close relative has been reported missing.
Naturally we're all devastated. I think it's fair to say that I've been hit particularly hard, as I'm the one who's disappeared.
I hope you'll be able to understand my absence from work, both because we'll all need time to get over this sudden shock and also because my whereabouts is unknown.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou.

We can only pray that I turn up soon - we just want some kind of closure.

I'm out of the ofice until Thursday 10th April 2014

While sealing a package to be sent off to a client, I tripped an fell in.
Before I had time to get out, DHL picked it up and delivered it to somewhere just outside Harrogate, so I'll be out of the office until I've been signed for and returned.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

There was originally some concern that there'd be some duty to be paid on the contents of the package on delivery, which might further delay me. But as it turns out, I have no inherent value, so it's no longer an issue.

I'm out of the office until Monday 7th April 2014

This week, instead of leaving the office, I've decided stay in exactly the same place.
 Unfortunately I failed to take into account the movement of the earth though space and so, although I have remained stationary, the office's relative position has shifted and consequently I am no longer in it.

If you need anything while the office is away from me, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom have a much firmer grasp of the science surrounding these issues.

It's exactly these kinds of minor miscalculations that cost me the nobel.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 27th March 2014

I've lost control of my legs and they've taken me far, far away from here.
So I've arranged for a net to be laid across my path to ensnare me and once I've been caught and tranquillised, I'll be able to return to the office.

If you need anything while I'm gone, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's also happened to them, in which case, we're going to need more nets.

I'm out of the office until Monday 24th March 2014

I've been asked to act as consultant on a film about absence from work, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 24th March. If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou. Ironically it's exactly this kind of consistent non appearance in the workplace that gets me well-paid gigs like this.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th March 2014

Hi there, I've become a rich Nigerian prince and something terrible has happened to me (that's why I'm not in the office right now).
In order to access my vast reserves of wealth, I need your help.
Here's what to do:
Firstly, contact Lou or Lindsay.
Secrecy is of the utmost importance, so when you contact the girls, mention only that you need something to do with a film of some description.
They will understand that this is just a code and proceed accordingly.
Then give them all your bank details and hang up.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 6th March 2014

I've recently joined a historical reenactment society.
This week we're doing King Charles' famous raid on the empty offices of the Roundheads.
I'm playing one of the Roundheads and to make sure that we keep everything as authentic as possible, I'll be out of the office until Thursday 6th March - just like they were.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
They'll be playing the Cavaliers, so it's probably best to wait until the raid's begun, otherwise they won't be in either.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 4th March 2014

On the way to the market the other day I met an old man who sold me some magic beans, which I took home and planted in the garden.
By morning a huge beanstalk had sprouted and grown far up into the clouds.
In the spirit of adventure, I decided to climb the beanstalk, but fell and injured my back, so I'll be bed-bound and out of the office until Tuesady 4th March.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. One of them can lay golden eggs and the other one will likely eat you. Can't remember which is which.

I'm out of theoffice until Friday 28th February 2014

I've joined a violent gang of bikers, high on drugs and hellbent on chaos, so it's probably better if I stay away from the office for a while.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's something to do with extortion or robbery, in which case call me on my mobile and I'll see what I can do.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th February 2014

Fearing I'd be late for work yesterday, I rushed to the office at such speed that I've wildly over shot and it'll take me several days to get back.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Lindsay, both of whom have the good sense to be less hasty.

I'm out of the office until Friday 14th February 2014

I've become more powerful than you can possibly imagine and the insurers have insisted that I stay away from the office in case I mess everything up really badly.

If you need anything while I'm away, just think it and I'll make it happen.

Alternatively you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Friday 10th February 2014

I don't actually work here.

Just like everyone else in my office, I'm just an actor employed to add ambiance to the vacant office buildings on the campus.
Our contracts run for a year and get renegotiated every January and it'll come as no great surprise that there's been some problems with the paperwork AGAIN!
So it looks I'll be out of the office until my agent can iron everything out.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
As you've probably guessed, those are just their stage names.

I'm out of the office until Monday 1st Febrary 2014

During a recent archeological dig, I've unearthed the remains of an ancient temple.
The locals tell me that desecrating the ruins unleashes a terrible curse on whomsoever dares to cross the threshold, which is a bummer.
On the upside the curse is pretty mild and only renders me unable to work for a few days, so I'll be out of the office until it wears off.

If you need any help while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom are cursed with being awesome.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 30th January 2014

I'm a delicate flower, swaying in the cool breeze of a moonlit night by the side of a quiet country stream.
So I'll be out of the office until I become a casually dressed man sitting at a desk in a office by a computer (with a packet of nuts and raisins in the top drawer of my filing cabinet).

If you need anything while I'm dancing with the wind, you can contact Lindasy or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 22nd January 2014

Last night I had an areligious vision in which I saw a bright (if slightly clichéed) light and heard a voice commanding me to travel far from this place and spread a message of love, hope and absence from work.
As a result, not only will I be out of the office until 22nd January, but I would urge you to do the same.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom have yet to see the wisdom of the Way.

Oh, and you should also be hopeful and love people.

I'm out of the office until Monday 13th January 2014

While researching my family tree, I've managed to unearth our coat of arms.
It depicts a large building with a man walking away from it. Below it you can just make out the motto, written in Latin, which loosely translates as "I will be out of the office until Monday 13th January".

I've now explored the matter in much greater detail, but could find no mention about contacting Lindsay or Lou if you need anything while I'm away, which is strange... because you should.