I'm out of office until 6th September 2012 (archive)

I have become wildly attractive to the extent that I'm now irresistible. Because you won't be able to help yourself I think it's best that I stay away from the office for the moment.

If you need any help in the meantime, best contact contact Lindsay or Louise. But look out, they're pretty tasty too.

Sorry about all this, I'm just too gorgeous right now.

I'm out of office until 31st August 2012 (archive)

I have decided to become a poet and a dandy, gallivanting around Europe, seducing aristocratic women and being generally artisnal.
I'll probably fall in with bad lot and end up comatose in some backstreet opium den before tiring of the crazy renegade lifestyle and returning to the office on Friday.

If you wish to join me, phone my mobile. But only call if you are prepared to abandon yourself to whimsy.

I'm out of the office until 16th July 2012 (archive)

I have been in an accident involving a cucumber.

Look, it's all a bit embarrassing, but if the operation is successful, I should be back at work on Monday 16th July.

If you have any queries in the meantime, please contact Lindsay or Louise

I'm out of the office until 22nd August 2012 (archive)

I have become the star of a fabulous West End Musical called "Starfish Express" where I play a stunning transvestite named Darcy. It's a short run, so I should be back on 22nd August.

In the meantime, you can speak to my agents, Lindsay and Louise.

P.S. I'm available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

I'm out of the office until 30th May 2012

What's that Lassie? Lenny's fallen down a mine shaft and won't be in work until Wednesday 30th May?

Good girl, now go and tell everyone that they can contact Lindsay or Louise if they need any help in the meantime.

I'm out of the office until 19th July 2012 (archive)

I have invented a time machine and have left the current temporal stream. I should reappear in what you perceive as your future on Thursday 19th July.

In the meantime you can contact Lindsay or Louise, although, I've taken the liberty to find out what you want by contacting your future self and have dealt with it already, along with the next two months' issues. Don't worry about thanking me - we've covered that off two weeks hence.

Chris, if you get this message, avoid the Chicken Dansak in Town next Friday. Let's just say it'll help you avoid an embarrassing trouser incident in town.

I'm out of the office until 6th July 2012 (archive)

As of 18:00 on 3rd July I have taken over the planet.

There will be a transitional period while I establish a formal command

As you will understand, the scale of this task is significant and so I
won't be in the office until Friday 6th July.

If you have any queries in the meantime, please contact Lindsay or Louise

I'm out of the office until 8th June 2012 (archive)

Choose from the following.

I am:
a) Crazy for your love
b) A secret lemonade drinker
c) Too young to die
d) Out of the office until Friday 8th June

If you win, you get to know if I'm out of the office until Friday 8th of June or not.

I'm out of the office until 2nd October 2012

Sadly, I have died and was buried yesterday afternoon.

If you need to get in touch with me urgently, go to see madames Lou and Lindsay, who will contact the spirit world (that's where I am).

On the 2nd of October I will rise again, undead, and return to the office.

Apologies in advance if I eat your brains.

I'm out of the office until 27th September 2012

I'm pinned down three clicks East of the RV and won't be back in the office until we can bring down some supressing fire on those MGs.
Chris is down too (he caught some small arms fire shortly after showing me a picture of his sweetheart).
I'm hit pretty bad so if you need support punch in your coords and Lindsay or Lou will call in the airstrike.
Oh, man. I don't think I'm gonna make it. So cold ... so ... cold ....