I'm out of the office until Thursday 29th October 2015

The WWF (no, not the wrestling one) has just added me to their endangered species list.
They told me that I've been nearly hunted to extinction by poachers, because my ears are highly prized for use in popular Chinese herbal remedies.

Although there's no immediate danger here, my WWF case officer called me last night to tell me that I should probably keep my head down, just to be on the safe side, so I won't be able to come to work for a few days.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 22nd October 2015

Somebody at the office has been pushing my buttons. To make things worse, they've managed to hit the off switch and it's proving really difficult to turn me back on again.

If you need anything while I'm away getting fixed, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Hope the warranty's still valid.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 20th October 2015

I've been given an instruction book which details when to turn up at work.
It's written in a number of different languages, but the English section's been really badly translated and from what I can make out, I'm pretty sure it says I should leave the office on Thursday and return sometime Tuesday morning.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can call on Lindsay or Lou, who can both read Cantonese.

I'm out of the office until Friday 9th October 2015

I've been moving much, much faster than usual through the week, so I'm already enjoying a relaxing Saturday afternoon while you slave away at your midweek chores.

I'll be back in the office on your Friday (my Monday), but if you need help with anything, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. They're also moving quickly, but tend to slow things right down around Friday to let the rest of the week catch up.

In the meantime, I'm off to get another beer - that last one went really fast.

And that one.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 7th October 2015

My out of office replies have become so famous that I've been asked to travel to Portsmouth dockyard  to christen the recently completed Royal Navy frigate, HMS Absent, so I'll be out of the office until Wednesday afternoon.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.