I'm out of the office until Monday 7th January 2013

I have just founded a new religious movement based on the lyrics to Baz Luhrmann's seminal 1999 hit, "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" and need some time to get it off the ground, so I'll be out of the office until 7th January.

I understand that I'm up against some pretty tough competition, what with it being Chritmas and all, but if you are in need of a new spiritual direction, or if you need to get in touch with me, I'll be on the ususal number, my child.

I'm out of the office until Monday 24th December 2012

During a failed homage to Houdini, I have trapped myself in a mahogany sideboard. It's still my intention to free myself without the aid of the emergency services, but you should be aware that I will be out of the office until I can escape.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 20th December 2012

A lot of people have been asking me about how to be out of the office, so I agreed to post up this quick guide.

You're going to need the following items:
1. An office
2. A place to go to (not the office)

Simply start by being in the office, then just leave and go to the place that isn't the office. Once you have left the office, you could try telling people that you're no longer there, by leaving an out of office reply.

Here's one I prepared earlier:
"I am out if the office until 20th December 2012, if you need anything while I'm away, please contact Lindsay or Lou."

What could be easier.

I'm out of the office until Monday 17th December 1012

I've been involved in a fight with a girl.
She beat me pretty badly and so I won't be back in the office until the embarrassment has subsided.

If you need any help in the meantime, contact Lindsay or Lou.

For the record, if push came to shove I'm pretty sure I could take them, but this whole thing's really shaken my confidence, and I'll probably just leave it.

I'm out of the office until Monday 10th December 2012

I'm being modified and won't be in the office until 10th December.

If you need any help in the meantime you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

On the upside I should be extra awesome when I get back (not least because of the new cup holders).

Im out of the office until Monday 3rd December

I'm researching a short story based on the life of a man who leaves the office for a few days, so I'll be out of the office until 3rd December.

If you need any help in the meantime you can contact my editors, Lou and Lindsay.

In the long run, I'm pretty sure this'll help me to get a greater understanding of the issues surrounding absence from work.

I'm out of the office until 20th November 2012

I'll be honest, our recently adopted "naked workplace initiative" is really freaking me out, so I'll be out of the office until 20th November- hopefully things will be back to normal by then.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can go and see Lindsay or Lou, but if you're offended by unfettered views of the human body, it's probably best to just phone or email.

I'm out of the office until 14th November 2012

I'm in a very slow moving queue waiting to buy something really popular.
I'm sorry I can't get you any, but I've only brought enough money for one and it looks like there's only a few left as it is.
The guy in front of me said he'd been waiting for two days already, so I guess this means I won't be able to make it back to the office until 14th November.

If you need anything while I'm waiting, please contact Lindsay or Lou.

I wouldn't get too jealous if I were you, most of the big ones have gone and to be frank, the ones that are left look a bit limp.

I'm out of the office until 7th November 2012

I appear to have upset one of the local aristocrats regarding which one of us will be out of the office until 7th November.
An altercation ensued and he has challenged me to a duel.
I was given the choice of weapons and have opted for pistols, but what my antagonist doesn't realise is that I am a crack shot and consequently I feel confident that it will be I who is away from the office until 7th November.

If you want to discuss the rules of engagement, please contact Lindsay or Lou, my batmen (or batpeople, if you wish)

I'm out of the office until 31st October 2012

I just had a bet with Chris that I'd be in the office until 31st October - but I lost.

Consequently, I'll be out of the office until 31st October.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can try to  contact Lindsay or Lou, but it was kind of sweepstake thing and they lost too.

I'm out of the office until 30th October 2012

Once in a thousand years, four distant stars lying at the heart of our galaxy fall into alignment.
On that day a chosen one will rise from amongst us.
On that day he will reveal his secret to the world and the lives of every man, woman and child will be changed forever.

I am that man. And this is the time...

Naturally this kind of thing comes with a whole load of time-consuming administration, so I'll be out of the office until 25th October.

If you need anything while I'm away, please contact Lindsay or Lou.

Please bear in mind that things will likely be quite significantly different when I get back.

I'm out of the office until 25th October 2012

I've entered a deep yogic trance and will wake, spiritually refreshed and enlightened, on 25th October.

Should you need any help while I am in this state, you should seek out Lindsay or Lou.

Alternatively you could set aside your worldly concerns, re-evaluate your life, and join me in the quest to reach a higher place of consciousness.

I'm out of the office until 23rd October 2012 - Survey results

I feel as if I will be out of the office until 23rd October:

        Strongly agree
x      Agree
        Neither agree nor disagree
        Disagree
        Strongly disagree

I think that, in the event of my being out of the office, contacting Lindsay or Lou would be a good idea:

x      Strongly agree
        Agree
        Neither agree nor disagree
        Disagree
        Strongly disagree

I'm out of the office until 12th October

I don't know if you saw it, but I've just been on "Wheel of Out of the Office". It's a new TV game show, where the contestants each take turns to spin a giant wheel to see when they're out of the office until. I got knocked out in the second round - but luckily nobody goes home empty handed, so I'll be out of the office until Friday 12th October.

If you need any help while I'm enjoying my winnings, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Incidentally, the star prize was an office. How ironic.

I'm out of the office until 8th October 2012

I've received a nasty bump to the head and can't remember anything about the whatsit.
I have a vague feeling that I'll be back sometime, but if you need whatever service I usually provide, you should probably contact someone (I think it's a woman) and they'll probably know what this is all about.
Or not.
I'm just not sure.

I'm out of office until 6th September 2012 (archive)

I have become wildly attractive to the extent that I'm now irresistible. Because you won't be able to help yourself I think it's best that I stay away from the office for the moment.

If you need any help in the meantime, best contact contact Lindsay or Louise. But look out, they're pretty tasty too.

Sorry about all this, I'm just too gorgeous right now.

I'm out of office until 31st August 2012 (archive)

I have decided to become a poet and a dandy, gallivanting around Europe, seducing aristocratic women and being generally artisnal.
I'll probably fall in with bad lot and end up comatose in some backstreet opium den before tiring of the crazy renegade lifestyle and returning to the office on Friday.

If you wish to join me, phone my mobile. But only call if you are prepared to abandon yourself to whimsy.

I'm out of the office until 16th July 2012 (archive)

I have been in an accident involving a cucumber.

Look, it's all a bit embarrassing, but if the operation is successful, I should be back at work on Monday 16th July.

If you have any queries in the meantime, please contact Lindsay or Louise

I'm out of the office until 22nd August 2012 (archive)

I have become the star of a fabulous West End Musical called "Starfish Express" where I play a stunning transvestite named Darcy. It's a short run, so I should be back on 22nd August.

In the meantime, you can speak to my agents, Lindsay and Louise.

P.S. I'm available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

I'm out of the office until 30th May 2012

What's that Lassie? Lenny's fallen down a mine shaft and won't be in work until Wednesday 30th May?

Good girl, now go and tell everyone that they can contact Lindsay or Louise if they need any help in the meantime.

I'm out of the office until 19th July 2012 (archive)

I have invented a time machine and have left the current temporal stream. I should reappear in what you perceive as your future on Thursday 19th July.

In the meantime you can contact Lindsay or Louise, although, I've taken the liberty to find out what you want by contacting your future self and have dealt with it already, along with the next two months' issues. Don't worry about thanking me - we've covered that off two weeks hence.

Chris, if you get this message, avoid the Chicken Dansak in Town next Friday. Let's just say it'll help you avoid an embarrassing trouser incident in town.

I'm out of the office until 6th July 2012 (archive)

As of 18:00 on 3rd July I have taken over the planet.

There will be a transitional period while I establish a formal command
framework.

As you will understand, the scale of this task is significant and so I
won't be in the office until Friday 6th July.

If you have any queries in the meantime, please contact Lindsay or Louise

I'm out of the office until 8th June 2012 (archive)

Choose from the following.

I am:
a) Crazy for your love
b) A secret lemonade drinker
c) Too young to die
d) Out of the office until Friday 8th June

If you win, you get to know if I'm out of the office until Friday 8th of June or not.

I'm out of the office until 2nd October 2012

Sadly, I have died and was buried yesterday afternoon.

If you need to get in touch with me urgently, go to see madames Lou and Lindsay, who will contact the spirit world (that's where I am).

On the 2nd of October I will rise again, undead, and return to the office.

Apologies in advance if I eat your brains.

I'm out of the office until 27th September 2012

I'm pinned down three clicks East of the RV and won't be back in the office until we can bring down some supressing fire on those MGs.
Chris is down too (he caught some small arms fire shortly after showing me a picture of his sweetheart).
I'm hit pretty bad so if you need support punch in your coords and Lindsay or Lou will call in the airstrike.
Oh, man. I don't think I'm gonna make it. So cold ... so ... cold ....