I'm out of the office until Thursday 31st October 2013

I used to be in the office all the time, but then I discovered the three step program for being out of the office.
Here's how it works:
In step one we enter into a state where we visualise the office and connect with the surroundings we associate with being there.
In step two, we look to the future and find our "point of transience", the place we will go when we are no longer in the office.
In step three, we leave the office and don't return until Thursday 31st October.

For more advanced users or those who are quick learners, there is the option for Lou or Lindsay to help others while you are away. I did it and I feel great.

I'm out of the office until Monday 28th October 2013

I've only just been told that I'm crazy like a fox, so it's obviously a good idea for me to stay clear of the office until everything calms the heck down.

If you need anything in the meantime, you should contact Lou or Lindsay, each of whom is sassy like a mink (but to a degree that is acceptable for office work).

I'm out of the office until Thursday 10th October 2013

I've accidentally spilled an entire a bottle of cleaning fluid over myself. On the label it says "Designed to remove large, unwanted stains from office furniture - use sparingly".
Unfortunately it seems that such was the power and the amount of liquid spilled, it has actually removed ME, so I'll be away until the scientists have figured out what the hell is going on.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

Frankly, I don't know whether to be impressed or insulted.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th October 2013

Hi, I'm out of the office until Thursday 26th September.
But don't just take my word for it, see what other people have been saying:

• "I thought he'd be in the office, but I was wrong - he wasn't."
• "One day he was here and the next he was gone. Luckily Lou and Lindsay were around to pick up the pieces of the mess he left behind."
• "He owes me money, but when I came to get it, he was conveniently absent, so I took his chair."
• "OMFG! His office is totally empty!"

I'm out of the office until Thursday 19th September 2013

Due to an administrative error I've been accidentally traded as a commodity and shipped abroad after being purchased by a gentleman from Saudi Arabia.
Although the problem has been flagged up by the relevant officials, international trade regulations stipulate that I have to be kept in a secure customs warehouse in Dubai until the requisite paperwork has been completed, after which time I will be able to return to the office.

If you need anything in the meantime please contact Lou or Lindsay.
Alternatively you could fill out a B23.1/592 (but you probably knew that already).

I'm out of the office until Monday 16th September 2013

It's uncommon knowledge that I was born one of twins. My brother and I were identical in every way and were inseparable until we reached the age of ten. On our tenth birthday, we were each blessed with a special gift.
My brother was endowed with the power of healing. He became a great doctor, saving countless lives and curing the sick in their thousands.
I was given the the ability to communicate my absence from work.

Behold:
I will be out of the office until Monday 16th September, if you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I know, impressive, isn't it?

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 11th September 2013

Lost, lost, lost am I to a sea of woes, rent by things unseen, displaced to parts where soul's dark hours pale when set beside.
Even blackness leaves this sunless pitch whence I find my tattered self, discarded and alone.
Frankly it's all a bit depressing, so I'm taking a few days off to convalesce.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lou or Lindsay, who's merest whisper might melt the tears of brightest somethingorother.

I'm out of the office until Friday 6th September 2013

I'm stuck in the loo with no toilet paper and my family are off to visit the in laws for a few days, so I'll be out of the office until they get back, or until I can find a workaround (that's WORKAROUND, for those of you who can't hear text too well).
There are several copies of Vogue here, but things haven't got quite that bad yet.

If you need anything in the meantime you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 4th September 2013

I've become temporarily unable to avoid double entendres, especially big ones, so I'll have to stay away from the office until I can avoid trying to slip one in whenever there's an opening.

If you need any assistance with your business while I'm away you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

I'm out of the office until Friday 30th August 2013

I'm the Queen of the Mardis Gras and as such, I'm dressed in a fabulously colourful and wildly oversized costume which will take at least three days to get out of. Consequently I'll be away from the office, disrobing and removing all the make up.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.