I've recently become really, really evil, so I'll be out of the office for a few days, twisting the moral fabric of society until it snaps.
It's not the first time and it tends to pass quite quickly, but if you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
As you'd expect, I'm thinking terrible thoughts about you right now.
I'm out of the office until Tuesday 22nd April 2014
The Police called yesterday, to tell us that a close relative has been reported missing.
Naturally we're all devastated. I think it's fair to say that I've been hit particularly hard, as I'm the one who's disappeared.
I hope you'll be able to understand my absence from work, both because we'll all need time to get over this sudden shock and also because my whereabouts is unknown.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou.
We can only pray that I turn up soon - we just want some kind of closure.
Naturally we're all devastated. I think it's fair to say that I've been hit particularly hard, as I'm the one who's disappeared.
I hope you'll be able to understand my absence from work, both because we'll all need time to get over this sudden shock and also because my whereabouts is unknown.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou.
We can only pray that I turn up soon - we just want some kind of closure.
I'm out of the ofice until Thursday 10th April 2014
While sealing a package to be sent off to a client, I tripped an fell in.
Before I had time to get out, DHL picked it up and delivered it to somewhere just outside Harrogate, so I'll be out of the office until I've been signed for and returned.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
There was originally some concern that there'd be some duty to be paid on the contents of the package on delivery, which might further delay me. But as it turns out, I have no inherent value, so it's no longer an issue.
Before I had time to get out, DHL picked it up and delivered it to somewhere just outside Harrogate, so I'll be out of the office until I've been signed for and returned.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
There was originally some concern that there'd be some duty to be paid on the contents of the package on delivery, which might further delay me. But as it turns out, I have no inherent value, so it's no longer an issue.
I'm out of the office until Monday 7th April 2014
This week, instead of leaving the office, I've decided stay in exactly the same place.
Unfortunately I failed to take into account the movement of the earth though space and so, although I have remained stationary, the office's relative position has shifted and consequently I am no longer in it.
If you need anything while the office is away from me, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom have a much firmer grasp of the science surrounding these issues.
It's exactly these kinds of minor miscalculations that cost me the nobel.
Unfortunately I failed to take into account the movement of the earth though space and so, although I have remained stationary, the office's relative position has shifted and consequently I am no longer in it.
If you need anything while the office is away from me, you can contact Lindsay or Lou, both of whom have a much firmer grasp of the science surrounding these issues.
It's exactly these kinds of minor miscalculations that cost me the nobel.
I'm out of the office until Thursday 27th March 2014
I've lost control of my legs and they've taken me far, far away from here.
So I've arranged for a net to be laid across my path to ensnare me and once I've been caught and tranquillised, I'll be able to return to the office.
If you need anything while I'm gone, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's also happened to them, in which case, we're going to need more nets.
So I've arranged for a net to be laid across my path to ensnare me and once I've been caught and tranquillised, I'll be able to return to the office.
If you need anything while I'm gone, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's also happened to them, in which case, we're going to need more nets.
I'm out of the office until Monday 24th March 2014
I've been asked to act as consultant on a film about absence from work, so I'll be out of the office until Monday 24th March.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
Ironically it's exactly this kind of consistent non appearance in the workplace that gets me well-paid gigs like this.
I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th March 2014
Hi there, I've become a rich Nigerian prince and something terrible has happened to me (that's why I'm not in the office right now).
In order to access my vast reserves of wealth, I need your help.
Here's what to do:
Firstly, contact Lou or Lindsay.
Secrecy is of the utmost importance, so when you contact the girls, mention only that you need something to do with a film of some description.
They will understand that this is just a code and proceed accordingly.
Then give them all your bank details and hang up.
In order to access my vast reserves of wealth, I need your help.
Here's what to do:
Firstly, contact Lou or Lindsay.
Secrecy is of the utmost importance, so when you contact the girls, mention only that you need something to do with a film of some description.
They will understand that this is just a code and proceed accordingly.
Then give them all your bank details and hang up.
I'm out of the office until Thursday 6th March 2014
I've recently joined a historical reenactment society.
This week we're doing King Charles' famous raid on the empty offices of the Roundheads.
I'm playing one of the Roundheads and to make sure that we keep everything as authentic as possible, I'll be out of the office until Thursday 6th March - just like they were.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
They'll be playing the Cavaliers, so it's probably best to wait until the raid's begun, otherwise they won't be in either.
This week we're doing King Charles' famous raid on the empty offices of the Roundheads.
I'm playing one of the Roundheads and to make sure that we keep everything as authentic as possible, I'll be out of the office until Thursday 6th March - just like they were.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.
They'll be playing the Cavaliers, so it's probably best to wait until the raid's begun, otherwise they won't be in either.
I'm out of the office until Tuesday 4th March 2014
On the way to the market the other day I met an old man who sold me some magic beans, which I took home and planted in the garden.
By morning a huge beanstalk had sprouted and grown far up into the clouds.
In the spirit of adventure, I decided to climb the beanstalk, but fell and injured my back, so I'll be bed-bound and out of the office until Tuesady 4th March.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. One of them can lay golden eggs and the other one will likely eat you. Can't remember which is which.
By morning a huge beanstalk had sprouted and grown far up into the clouds.
In the spirit of adventure, I decided to climb the beanstalk, but fell and injured my back, so I'll be bed-bound and out of the office until Tuesady 4th March.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay and Lou. One of them can lay golden eggs and the other one will likely eat you. Can't remember which is which.
I'm out of theoffice until Friday 28th February 2014
I've joined a violent gang of bikers, high on drugs and hellbent on chaos, so it's probably better if I stay away from the office for a while.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's something to do with extortion or robbery, in which case call me on my mobile and I'll see what I can do.
If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - unless it's something to do with extortion or robbery, in which case call me on my mobile and I'll see what I can do.
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