I'm out of the office until Thursday 13th January 2017

I recently joined a band of freedom fighters in Mauritius and swore an oath to stay on until we’ve beaten back the opposition and retaken the capital.

Fairly soon after arriving yesterday I discovered that there’s not actually a war going on here and people are coexisting peacefully, so the job’s pretty much done and I should be on the next available flight home.

If you need anything while I’m travelling back, you can contact Lou.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 3rd January 2017

It's been intense at work lately, so I'm taking a slow, relaxing bath and I'm using some pretty funky herbal bath salts in the hope it'll help me unwind.
Here's what the label says:
"Simply pour into your bath while the hot tap is running. Once the salts have dissolved, immerse yourself for at least a week in the calming herbal essences, which will sooth your body and help calm your mind."

I'll be back on 2nd January, but you might not immediately recognise me, either because I'll be unusually Zen about everything, or because I look like a fleshy prune. Or both.

If you need anything urgently, call me on the mobile.

Merry Christmas.

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 29th November 2016

Welcome to this online course, which should help you to get up and running with knowing who's in the office and who isn't.

During the course you'll be familiarising yourself with a number of staff members and learning whether or not they are in the office.

Let's get started.

When looking to find out who isn't in the office until Tuesday 29th November, you should refer to this comprehensive list:

Me

In addition to this, it's really useful to know who is in the office. That way you will know who to contact in case you need any help.
Here are your options:

Lou
Rosie
Lucy
Lindsay

Congratulations! You've successfully completed the course.

What to do next - you should think about building on the skills you've learned in this course by considering the following modules:

Swivel chairs for beginners.
Pen or pencil? How and when to use them.
The door - an introduction to entering and leaving.
Where's the toilet?

I'm out of the office until Tuesday 22nd November 2016

I've taken up micro embroidery, a niche hobby needing a steady hand and a keen eye.
I don't have either, so I won't be able to come to the office until I've at least finished threading the needle.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Rosie.

Ahhhhhhhh! ... dropped it.

I'm out of the office until Monday 14th November 2016

I'm in the middle of a beauty therapy session and won't be able to come to the office until I've been peeled, scrubbed, exfoliated and moisturised to the point of exceptional loveliness.

If you need anything while I'm away, you should contact Lou.

Given the amount of money it's costing me to roll back the years, I should look end up looking like a five year-old.

I'm out of the office until Monday 7th November 2016

I've just undergone a life-changing experience.

Normally you'd expect this kind of thing to have a long-lasting and profound effect, but in this case it's just left me with the sincere belief that I should be out of the office until Monday 7th November.

I've subsequently tried to convince Rosie and Lindsay that they should do the same, but they can't seem to see things my way, so you can call on them if you need help with anything.

I'm out of the office until Monday 31st October 2016

Following the mental breakdown of my cosmetic surgeon, a routine botox session went horribly wrong and I now look uncannily like Barry Manilow.

The worst part is that my house has been surrounded by late middle-aged women, desperate to tear off my clothes and there's just no way I can get out of the house, so you should probably get in touch with Rosie if you need help with anything.

I'm out of the office until Friday 21st October 2016

There's a loose connection in one of my wires, so I'll be working sporadically for the next few days and you won't be able to rely on me at all.

Best give Rosie, Lou or Lindsay a call if you need anything.

I'm out of the office until Wednesday 12th October 2016

I've been carried away by a giant bird (likely and Andean condor), so I'll be out of the office until something equally unlikely brings me back (probably a lynx).

If you need anything while I'm away, contact Lou, Lindsay or Rosie.

I'm out of the office until Friday 30th September 2016

Someone in HR dropped their lunch on the job description section of my contract, so legally my role is now "low fat soft cheese" and I've been moved out of the office and into aisle three, next to the Pecorino.

If you need help while I'm away, you can contact Rosie, Lou or Lindsay.