I'm out of the office until Wednesday 30th March 2016

Imagine yourself on a beautiful beach, wind gently caressing the trees, waves lapping slowly along the perfect, white sands.

You breathe slowly, deeply..

You are at peace.

All is well.

You no longer need my assistance.

You speak to Lindsay and Lou and all your worries simply melt away.

You leave five pounds in the right hand drawer under my desk - it makes you happy.

I'm out of the office until Monday 21st March 2016

As you've no doubt heard by now, I've been replaced by an artificial intelligence.
My job no longer requires any physical presence and so it was only my brain that was of any use (if we're being charitable).

But don't be sad. Remember those violent mood swings I used to have? I'm taking them with me.
And the "mystery biscuit thief"? Gone.

If you need anything from my corporeal self, you should contact Lindsay and Lou (or that's what we're calling them, for the sake of nostalgia).

I'm out of the office until Thursday 17th March 2016

I've been asked to command the Russian Federation's Baltic Fleet, so I'll be out of the office until I've handed the jurisdiction back to the Western Joint Strategic Command.

If you need help with anything while I'm away you can contact Lou or Lindsay.

Alternatively, if you're looking to initiate a strategic, sea-based missile strike, you should try my adjutant, Yevgeni Sergeyevich.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 10th March 2016

We were looking at my log book yesterday and it seems like I'm due for a full service, so I'll be out of the office until Thursday 10th March.

If you need anything while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay, Lou or Lucy.

I just know they're going to suggest reaming out my gaskets.