I'm out of the office until Monday 1st September 2014

I've collapsed in on myself and no longer exist.
The science is a bit complicated, but essentially it means that I'll be out of the office until Monday 1st September.

Fortunately for you, Jenna and Rosie have metaphysically expanded to fill the vacuum I've left, so you know who to see while I'm gone.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 14th August 2014

Here's a wonderful recipe that I've been using for being out of the office, taken from last week's Observer:

100g salted peanuts
300ml cranberry juice
100ml Absolut Vodka

Mix the cranberry juice and vodka to taste, then decant the peanuts into a small bowl.
Place both the drink and the peanuts on a side table next to a comfy chair.
Sit down in the chair and drink the cocktail, occasionally eating the peanuts as the mood takes you.
Stay in the chair and do not return to the office until 14th August.

Tip: to make things go really smoothly, make sure everyone calls Jenna and Rosie if they need help while you're away.

I'm out of the office until Friday 8th August 2014

I've been breeched.
It all happened about sixteen hours ago.
I've got three crews working round the clock to try and seal the hole and pump out all the water, but even if we stop the ingress, I'm going to be unable to return to the office until I've been stripped out and refitted.
If you need anything while I'm out of action you can contact Jenna or Rosie.