I'm out of the office until Wednesday 31st July 2013

I've recently been incarcerated in a foreboding, Gothic castle by my arch enemy, The Baron, so I'll be out of the office until I can make good my escape.
On first impressions, it might seem as if this is the end for me, but there are a couple of things that The Baron has overlooked which should help tip the odds in my favour:
1. The cell I'm currently being held in is very old and the bricks on the exterior wall have begun to crumble away.
2. I have secreted a plan of the castle sewers about my person, detailing a route down to a secret cove, where a small boat waits to spirit me away to freedom.
3. I have suffered a nervous breakdown and this clich├ęd scenario has been conjured from my troubled imagination.

If you need anything in the meantime, you must discretely contact Lindsay or Lou through the usual clandestine channels.

Trust no one.

I'm out of the office until Thursday 24th July 2013

I'm building a 1:35 scale replica of the office.
The main structure is complete along with the windows, furniture and carpets, but I've foolishly stuck the roof on before I got round to putting in the little figure of myself, which means I'll be out of the office until I can find a way to get inside without breaking the whole thing.

If you need anything in the meantime, you can contact Lindsay or Lou - they're in the little conference room next to the tiny kitchen, but be gentle, as they're not stuck down very well and Lindsay's arm keeps coming off.

I'm out of the office until Monday 15th July 2013

They seek him here, they seek him there,
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in heaven or is he in hell?
Neither - he is out of the office until Monday 15th July.

If you need help in the meantime, you should contact Madames Lindsay or Lou.

Or perhaps you prefer the taste of Madame La Guillotine, eh?

I'm out of the office until Thursday 11th July 2013

Last week my friend insisted that I should put myself in his shoes. So I decided to take him at his word.
Unfortunately he's just sent the shoes back to the manufacturer in Milan to be resoled, which means I'll be out of the office until they're sent back.

If you need anything in the while I'm away, you can contact Lindsay or Lou.

Meanwhile I'm stuck with this bunch of cobblers.

I'm out of the office until Monday 8th July 2013

I'm off on a course to learn how to kill a man with my bare hands, so I'll be out of the office until Monday.
I shouldn't need to mention it, but you should probably try to be super nice the next time we meet.

If you need any help while I'm away, you can talk to Lindsay or Lou, who have serendipitously just come back from a course on how to hide a body. How's that for joined up thinking?

I'm out of the office until Thursday 4th July 2013

Like the majority of children, I was raised mostly by my mother.
She operated a regime best described as "firm but fair" and when I look back, my memories are full of happiness set within strict moral limits.
In our house she made sure that I adhered to three rules without deviation (in order of increasing importance):

Respect your Mother and Father.
Always treat others as you would wish them to treat you.
Be out of the office until Thusday 4th July 2013.

I never really understood the last one, but rule number one kind of precluded me from questioning it.

If you need anything while I'm away you can contact my work mothers, Lindsay and Lou.